What’s For Dinner, Mommy?

Let me walk you through a typical evening at my house.

Kid:  What’s for dinner, Mommy?

Me:  Hmmm … How about lima beans and bologna?  I know it’s your favorite!

Kid:  Yay!  There’s nothing that can’t be improved by adding lima beans!

Me:  You’ve been really good today.  I think I’ll put some pineapple on top as an extra special treat!

Kid:  Yay!  You totally rock, Mommy!

Okay, well maybe it doesn’t happen exactly that way … but it might!

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And There Was Much Wailing and Gnashing of Teeth.

I have an affliction that I believe many of my fellow countrymen live with.  Namely, I am bombarded with a ridiculous multitude of information on a daily basis; some of it useful, some of it not as much.  For the sake of self-preservation, I have learned to tune out the information that is not a top-priority in my little world.

And, as I only have one child and she isn’t yet school-aged, I did not file the tax free date in my memory bank.  As far as self-preservation goes, that was a huge mistake.  I do not believe I am being overly dramatic when I say that it was a mistake of Biblical proportions.

You see, my blue pen dried up.  And I really needed another blue pen.  Like I said, I had not filed the tax-free information in my head before I proceeded to Target this afternoon.  It seemed, somewhere in the dark recesses of my mind, that there were more than the usual number of mini-vans in the parking lot.  But I was too busy scanning the horizon for crazed gunmen (as is my habit) to fully register the extra automobiles.

I went back to the school supply area – much like a lamb is led to slaughter … What I found when I got there was so horrifying … so awful … so … well, words fail me … (unlike ellipses, which never fail me).  What, you ask, was so terrifying that I was reduced to running for my life from my local Super Target?

THEY HAD RUN COMPLETELY OUT OF CRAYOLA CRAYONS – 24 PACK, 25 CENTS!!!!!

 

Mothers were weeping, children were screaming, I even saw one man pulling out his hair and begging for mercy from Above.  2 women were fighting over a package of washable markers – disheveled hair being pulled, fingers being bitten.  It was truly something I hope never to witness again.

One unfortunate child was crying huge sad tears because his mother was making him buy, of all things, Rose Art brand crayolas!  Yuck!  Who wants those anyway?  I hope the boy won that argument; I really do.

It did not go unnoticed by this blog author, however, that my replacement Cricut blades are not considered “essential” by our illustrious government; and, thus, I had to pay sales tax on them.  Which is just shy of a tragedy of Biblical proportions.

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If you see me laughing hysterically, join in. It’s fun.

I have some … quirks.

Namely, I tend to laugh hysterically at things that no one else gets.  Which can be pretty embarrassing when I’m in the grocery store randomly laughing because I’m standing in the exact spot where I first discovered two little boys braying like donkeys 6 months earlier.  Or because I remember Amy Poehler in an episode of “Parks and Recreation” saying her niece’s name was Torple.  Torple cracks me up.  I think I want to name my next child Torple.

It’s always a good time when I go into a public bathroom where a mother is attempting to calm a child throwing a tantrum.  That is like a comedic gold mine for me.  I like to go up to the woman, nod with a sympathetic look, and then say, “Wow.  That must be embarrassing.  I’m glad my child never behaves like that.  Ever.”  And then laugh hysterically.  Sometimes, for a little added genius, I’ll give her some BS piece of parenting advice, “You haven’t been giving little Junior his daily dose of bunny seed essential fatty farm gecko oil have you?  tsk tsk tsk!  I would also recommend a grasshopper essential eyeball herb supplement; you can find it in liquid form at any health food store.”  That’s the best.

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Random Thoughts and How to Curl Hot Dogs.

On my recent post featuring curled hot dogs and bow tie pasta, reader Frenchymms posted the following comment:

How exactly does one get hotdogs to curl?

I was intrigued.  So Meat Galore and I experimented … if you cut the hot dog into quarters longways and then microwave it, it curls up.  Now you know how to make curly hot dogs.  You are very welcome.

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Real Simple this month had a section on how often one should launder one’s clothes.  According to Real Simple, jeans only need to be washed after every 4th to 5th wearing.  I never knew I was so much dirtier than the average person – because if I didn’t wash my pants any more often than that, they could probably stand on their own.  Have you ever wondered if Martha Stewart is some kind of ghost writer for Real Simple?

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I read other people’s blogs for a few reasons: they make me laugh, they inspire me with craft ideas, or I like to spy on them from the comfort of my own home.  Therefore, I find it very frustrating when a blog I read to satisfy my voyeuristic tendencies has a post to the effect of, “I’m going through a lot of stuff right now,” and then doesn’t say what all the stuff is.  It should be against the law to say that if you aren’t going to elaborate!

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I’m going to put “how to curl hot dogs” in the tag for this post.  I anxiously await to see if anyone ever Googles that.

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Lawsuit Lane and Other Random Encounters.

It’s pretty much common knowledge that crazy people have a magnetic attraction to me.  Every.  Single.  Time.  I go somewhere, at least one weirdo approaches me and says or does something … well, weird.

It’s like I have a shirt on that says, “I Love Crazies!” but you can only see the writing if you are, indeed, slightly off your rocker.

My daughter recently had a diaper rash that wouldn’t clear up.  The pediatrician suggested rubbing Monistat on it.  Because I love my daughter so much, I went to Target to buy her some.  Do you think I went to the check out line with a discreet cashier who would simply ring it up and put it in my bag?

If you said yes, then you obviously skipped the first two paragraphs of this post.  Here’s how it went.

Cashier:  I always wait until the end to put stuff in the bags because my spine is messed up.  I got rear-ended the other day.  Well my spine was messed up before that but whiplash isn’t helping.

Me:  I’m sorry to hear that, I hope you get to feeling better soon.

Cashier:  [holding up the Monistat for all 4 people behind me in line to see] I don’t envy you this!  I used to get these all the time!  Like, even if I changed my soap I would get one.  But then I got an emergency hysterectomy and now I don’t get them anymore.

I just turned bright red, paid the lady, and ran out.  But once I was safely hidden away in my car, I suddenly discovered that I had a burning desire (excuse the pun) to know one thing.  What the heck does she do with her soap?!

A couple months ago I went to Texas.  I was just outside Houston (in Humble, maybe?) and stopped at a convenience store to get a drink.  Okay, and maybe a donut.  But just a small one.  Who should be in the donut department but some guy who was giving me a contact high from the pot fumes.  Finally, I made my way to the counter and who should be in front of me?

No, not the Target cashier.  But that would be funny!  It was some woman I don’t know.  She was telling the cashier at the convenience store that the floor mat in front of the door was a tripping hazard and if she fell that she was going to sue the store.

I would not have thought anything about that exchange (well I would have rolled my eyes at the drama queen) except I went outside, turned my GPS back on, and saw this:

Lawsuit Lane.  And, no, I am not making this up.  I am not nearly smart enough to Photoshop something like that, nor is my imagination good enough to dream it up on my own.

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One Disturbing Chicken.

This is what I had for dinner tonight.  It’s Chicken Stuffed with Shrimp Etouffee.*

(This is a photo from the chicken website.  I wish I had those green dishes!)

Doesn’t it look delicious?  I will say this – it totally was.  I bought it from my local Future Farmers of America for a fundraiser back in November.  When I cut into it though, I felt like this woman (remember her?):

Except I was hollering, “Where’s the shrimp?!”  That isn’t the disturbing part though.  I only told you that part so I could bring up the little old lady from the Wendy’s commercials.  And because I like to keep you on your toes.

The disturbing part was the chicken itself.  It was entirely boneless … except for the wings!  It was like a humongous boneless chicken breast with 2 random wings stuck on it.  Almost like prosthetics for chickens.  If you’re going to go to the trouble to remove all those bones, why not remove all the bones?!  Yick.  How do you think that development meeting went?

Guy A:  I have this awesome idea for boneless chicken breast stuffed with shrimp etouffee.  But I just feel like it’s missing something.

Guy B:  I know!  We have some extra wings lying around that Hooters refused shipment on.  Let’s stick them onto your gourmet chicken!

Guy A:  Yes, let’s!  That is the most brilliant idea I have ever heard!

*I don’t want to give the name of the manufacturer since I’m making fun of the chicken even though it really was delicious and I don’t want people to think badly of the company.

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Time Warp.

The Holiday Inn Express has always driven me crazy.  Don’t get me wrong, I have never had anything but good experiences at Holiday Inn Expresses.  What drives me crazy is the name.  Do you sleep faster there?  Do they check you in faster?  If they can check you in faster, then why don’t they just have all the Holiday Inns check you in faster.  Do they think some people like to take a long time to check in?

Anyway, I hadn’t been thinking about Holiday Inn Express all that much until tonight when we passed a YMCA Express.  What the heck?  Does time warp so that a 30 minute workout only lasts 10?  Because, to be quite honest with you, I could totally get into a 10 minute workout that had all the benefits of a 30 minute workout.

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Mass Confusion at the Grocery Store.

I love men.  I just want to say that upfront.  But I feel sorry for them in the grocery store.  Not all of them; only the ones whose wives usually do the shopping yet send their husbands to the store for an item or two.  These men are easy to spot; they are usually standing in one of many aisles on a cell phone asking the person on the other end if they should get premium, ultra premium, unscented, dye free, unscented dye free ultra fluffy premium, or ultra fantastic premium toilet paper and reading all the labels into the phone.

I recently discovered that it isn’t totally their fault though.  I rarely go down the ice cream aisle anymore because if I have ice cream in the house then I eat it.  But this night I needed some ice cream.  I entered the ice cream aisle and started to pick out a box of vanilla ice cream for Meat Galore. 

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY KINDS OF VANILLA ICE CREAM THERE ARE?!  If you said, “Vanilla is vanilla,” then you obviously have not recently been in the market for vanilla ice cream.

Here are the different flavors of vanilla that I found in our (admittedly very small) local grocery store:

vanilla
country vanilla
vanilla bean
french vanilla
creamy vanilla (not to be confused with rich and creamy vanilla)
natural vanilla
premium vanilla
homestyle vanilla
double churned vanilla
rich and creamy vanilla
fat free vanilla
lite vanilla

It’s no wonder that half the people in the store are walking around with their eyes glazed over like Gomer Pyle on valium!  Even I got confused.  What if I bought Country Vanilla and it was disgusting?  What does country taste like anyway?  Is it fried with gravy?  What is the deal with vanilla bean?  Shouldn’t all vanilla ice cream have had vanilla bean injected into it at some point?

It was all too much to process.  As I tried to make the decision, I could feel drool forming at the corners of my lips and my eyes glazing over.  I began sweating profusely.  My mind became a total blank as visions of swirling packages of ice cream floated in front of my eyes.  I believe at some point someone asked me if I was okay, but the details are a little fuzzy.

I gave up on vanilla and got chocolate with marshmallow – only one company makes that!

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In Which I Watch Entirely Too Much TV.

You may have heard that I’m sick.  I’m sure you have because I’m one of those people who never gets sick and when I do “get sick” it’s mostly that I just feel puny for a couple days then I’m fine.  So I’m really awful sick right now and have complained about it to the whole universe.  I’d like to find the person who went out into public with his or her disgusting germs and have a little Come To Jesus Meeting.

But that’s neither here nor there.  The whole point of telling you that is so you will understand why I have done nothing but watch TV for 3 days.  It turns out that I was really fortunate to be able to do so.  There’s some awesome programming out there these days!

After watching “Should I Smoke Dope” (twice), I have come to the conclusion that, yes.  Yes I should.  Hopefully, it will regenerate some of my brain cells that BBC America killed off.  Now if only I knew how one would go about procuring and smoking dope …

But right now I’m going to go eat some Doritos and take a nap.

P.S.  Just kidding.  I didn’t really watch that.  Maury’s paternity tests are far more interesting.

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Who writes this stuff?!

Have you ever read the back of your lotion bottles?  I highly recommend it.  I mean it isn’t as entertaining as spying on my neighbors, but on a slow day (ie: when they are out of town), the lotion bottles can be very entertaining.  I think there must be some huge pool of out-of-work Harlequin Romance writers that the lotion industry calls on when it needs to manufacture a bottle.

Take this description from my Bath and Body Works Irresistible Apple Triple Moisture Body Cream (which smells nothing like Country Apple and they need to bring Country Apple back, in case the B&BW CEO is reading this):

Massage into skin, especially dry spots, and indulge your senses with our exclusive, alluring Irresistible Apple, a fruity floral scent inspired by both the innocence and sensuality of forbidden fruit.

Ummm … what the heck does that even mean?  And don’t they know that not all apples are forbidden, it was just the one?  And since when are apples sensuous anyway?

But lest you think it’s just the higher-end (okay, middle-end) companies who are employing the out-of-work romance writers, check out the description on my Suave Sandalwood and Cinnamon Body Lotion (For Sensual, Soft Skin):

This unique formula provides delicious moisturization, leaving your skin looking beautifully moisturized.  The sensual scent of sandalwood & cinnamon will leave your skin smelling soft and silky.

It’s unique alright.  What, exactly, does “silky” smell like anyway?  The bottle goes on:

To Use: Smooth lotion on hands and body every day.  Also try Suave Body Wash, Deodorant, and Hair Products.

Just how badly do these people think I stink?!

Was this an exciting post or what?  I’m considering a whole series on “Personal Hygiene Product Descriptions.”  I’m sure all my readers are waiting anxiously.

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