I’m sorry, Mr. Cosby, but I haven’t been able to locate any JELLO pudding recipe books. Yet. Give me time. I did, however, come across this jewel at my local thrift store last weekend. It’s called “Swappin’ Good Recipes Featuring Cottage Cheese Fittin’ For Clippin’.” I don’t know who put it out; probably someone from Wisconsin. A Wisconsard, if you will. I was very excited and came home waving it at my husband. He gave me his typical man response, “Probably just a bunch of people ruining perfectly good cottage cheese.” Although I, personally, didn’t think you could further ruin a food that is so awful in the first place. I was wrong.
Take, for instance, the recipe I like to call Jiggly Cottage Cheese and JELLO Shrimp. Those poor little shrimpies seem to be in some sort of suspended animation. They kind of remind me of the bees that people (I don’t know who these people are, just people) find petrified in amber. I wonder how one would eat that…with a cocktail fork, perhaps? Or would a spoon be required? Even so, it sure looks like some swappin’ good shrimp! I hope you will forgive me if I pretend that I didn’t see the Seabreeze Melon Boat Salad; it’s just too much for me to bear. Someone should start a band and call it Pears, Peppers, and Cottage Cheese. They could sing Folk music and dance.
Next we have the ever-popular “Honky Lobster and Serpent Rolls”. Lay your lobster spread eagle and fill with cottage cheese. It just doesn’t seem right somehow. And what’s up with those rolls? They look like little serpents trying to climb out of the basket to eat the Honky Lobsters (also referred to as “lobstitutes”). Lobstitutes. Get it? Now that was funny. This dinner is definitely nothing if not exciting. And romantic. Don’t forget romantic.
I’m not real sure how to take the Open Face Cottage Crab Sandwich. The olives rather look like scary red eyeballs screaming, “Don’t eat me! For the love of cheese, don’t eat me!” Except that they can’t scream because they are olives and olives can’t scream obviously. Why are all the sandwiches “open-face” and the rolls “filled”? Shouldn’t it be the opposite? Of course, I generally prefer my sandwiches to be sans faces, of any sort. That’s why we have butchers – to cut the faces off our food before we eat it.
Now, I know there are some of you who are trying to raise well-adjusted children who do not have nightmares about their bananas and tomatoes coming to life. For the rest of us, fortunately, there is Creepy Rat Cheese. It’s simple to get your child to eat healthfully. Just dress his or her food up as teeny tiny creepy little cottage cheese rodents and tell the kid that he had better eat the monster before it eats him.
Seriously, all of you should really get your hands on a copy of this book before your next cocktail party. Any one of these easy, tasty, and unique recipes will make you the talk of the town! In fact, you will probably receive numerous requests to cater parties for all your friends! I have to run now; I’m going to the grocery store to get food for our block party. I think I’ll make lobstitutes – they are very “Martha”.