I was looking for sweater patterns to knit for my husband. Not because I can knit or anything, but because I like to torture him on occasion. Anyway, I came across this wonderful pattern book full of sweaters just for “men”! (I put “men” in quotes because I don’t know any actual men who would wear these and I suspect the “models” in the book are actually artistically rendered paper dolls.)
Any of the sweaters on this page would be terribly appropriate for the next time your husband goes birdwatching at the local arbaritum. The guy in the blue sweater is saying, “Look at that fantastic specimen of red-throated finch!” And the other 2 are going, “Where? WHERE? Oh there he is. Beautiful. Let’s talk about our feelings some more.”
Now either of these 2 sweaters would be great if you are sending your son to an Ivy League engineering school. Why would engineers in particular be drawn to these models? Well, who else would wear white socks with dark pants and dark shoes? These 2 young men are discussing their Statics final, “Great sweater, Cheddington.” “Thanks, Chester, my mother knit it for me. How did you do on your Statics final? Question 3 was really tough, huh?” “Oh, yes, most difficult. What say we go to Ruby Tuesday to pick up chicks tonight, Old Chap?” Okay, I don’t know why Chester suddenly developed an English accent, but you get the jist.
Now, if your man has a tendency to look rather like an uneducated hillbilly, you should really coach him in the proper way to hold sunglasses in his hand and look like he’s very enamored with the nearest tree branch or flying buttress. A word of warning here though, if your man tends toward pudginess, you probably won’t want to pair this sweater with white pants – he’ll look like a giant bouy.
I can just imagine the conversation between these 2 young men. “Dude, Lester, did you see Chester and Cheddington at Ruby Tuesday last night trying to pick up townies?” “Oh yes, Martin, they are so bourgeois.” “Definitely. What are you going to wear to the polo finals this weekend?” “I do believe I will wear my new Izod and this sweater my mother knit me. Do you think anyone will notice if I wear it again this week?” “Yes, that is a major faux pas. We could trade sweaters and then we’d each have a different one to wear!” “That’s a great idea! Your mother knits almost as well as mine!”
Once your man graduates from college and learns which color of socks is most appropriate, then you can make him one of these more grown-up, professional sweaters for when he visits the track. “You want to put $300 on Big Red Barn? What is wrong with you man? He’s destined for the glue factory within the month! Put your money on Contessa Azul.”
And for those all-important back-yard-pipe-smoking parties at Southfork, you will definitely want to knit your man one of these colorful beauties. After all, you don’t want to be the only arm candy at the picnic.
If you would like to make one of these sweaters, I’m sure you can find the patterns on the Bear Brand and Fleisher Yarns website. If you need help choosing colors, please send me a message. After all, fashion advice is just one more service that I like to offer my faithful readers!
Don’t forget, it’s Memorial Day, go thank a veteran. We literally owe our lives to the men and women of our armed services.