It all begins with the door bell. I know there are some of you un-enlightened readers out there who believe a door bell is just a clever invention intended to alert the homeowner that a visitor is standing on his or her porch and would like entry to the house. But we enlightened folk know that the door bell is actually a gateway to Christian adventure!
My but you have a fascinating … clock!
July 30, 2008 by marybt
Last Thursday I went to help my mother organize her home office. When she asked me to help her she said it’s because I’m “so good at it.” Well, you all have seen the pictures of my scrapbook room so I’ll let you decide whether she was buttering me up or not. It turns out that my mother has some very interesting books such as Visitation Made Easy by C.S. Lovett or, as I prefer to call it, How to Creep Out Perfect Strangers. (Yes, my dear English teachers, I know that book titles should be underlined but apparently WordPress isn’t giving me that option today. Or else I am just having a brain fart and can’t see it.)
Oh yes! With the simple push of a button, you too can experience an unbelievable Christian adventure! However, one should not embark on this adventure unprepared – oh no, that would be what we in the industry call “Christian folly”. Happily though, Lovett has made it easy for his dear readers to prepare for their visits by providing them with this handy list of “Tools You Will Need for Visiting”.
I like the idea of carrying a badge – it lends credibility to the visitor. Imagine the scenario: ding dong! [Woman comes to door.] “Yes, may I help you?” [Visitor flashes badge.] “I am here from Operation Sunshine, Agent Double Oh Three. Badge number six. Might I come in to visit?” “Certainly, if you will quit shining that infernal flashlight in my eyes!”
The visitor must always carry a flashlight because it is common knowledge that ringing strangers’ door bells after dark and after you have shined a light on the front of their house immediately puts them at ease.
Once you gain entry to a stranger’s home, you must size up the competition by locating the interest center of the house. This usually consists of a clock, although a television should not be discounted as a worthy adversary. The following page illustrates how one can locate the interest center. (It’s rather easy to locate an interest center because there will usually be at least one person in the vicinity of the interest center staring at the interest center – especially if the interest center is a painted plate. Who could ever take their eyes off a painted plate? Not I, that’s why I don’t have painted plates in my home – I prefer to be the center of attention.)
You may have noticed the 2 interesting items in the second picture – a shelf full of cameras and a lovely painted plate hanging on the wall. Sometimes it is difficult to determine which is the most interesting. At these times, one should always acknowledge both interesting items. Try saying, “My, what interesting cameras! Have you ever used them to take a picture of this lovely painted plate?” That will immediately put the visitee at ease. Lovett provides some other hints on how to compete with your interest center – especially if you must compete with a clock. Oh the horror! I really hate visiting people who have boring clocks.
By the way, be sure to ignore any children who might be in your way – clocks are much more interesting and dear to the heart of the visitee. Be certain to engage the husband (or baby daddy) in a conversation about his interesting clock; this will give the wife (or shack up honey) time to clean up the house that she has obviously been neglecting all day in favor of eating donuts and watching Jerry Springer reruns.
Once you have scoped the joint, identified the most interesting item in the home, and given the wife time to clean up the pig stye, it is time to take control of the situation. There are many ways to do this. You can turn out the lights and shine the flashlight in the face of each family member one by one (which is the method I prefer), or you can be slightly more tactful (if you are one of those people who enjoys being tactful – hey, I won’t judge!).
If the visitee’s children are misbehaving, then feel free to point it out to the parent. In a most tactful manner, of course. Saying, “My, but your children act like rabid banshee squirrels; can’t your baby momma control them?” is considered bad form. It is much more tactful to say, “Could you speak up, please? I can’t seem to hear you over these rabid banshee squirrels running around your living room.”
It would be most humiliating for any homeowner if the visitor discovered that his or her favorite show was Desperate Housewives. The visitor must always tread carefully when interrupting a show such as this. A comment such as, “Oh isn’t it such a shame that the only programs on television anymore are these substandard soft granny porn programs?” The homeowner will have no choice but to agree and turn off the television so that the visitor may be the center of attention – assuming, of course, all painted plates have been removed from the area. (Note to visitees: it is considered rude to ask your visitor to wait until the next commercial break. Although if you are watching something very important such as the season finale of Desperate Housewives or the episode where the residents of Wisteria Lane find out who died in the tornado or the Friends episode where Ross dresses up as the Holiday Armadillo, it is socially acceptable to shine a flashlight in your visitor’s eyes until the next commercial break.)
Now, if you, the visitor, are visiting an area where you feel the baby momma and the children will cause untold interruption to your visit, feel free to take a partner along with you. It is imperative that this partner is a creepy man with slick hair, otherwise you might not be able to persuade the parents to let him take their children back to the children’s bedroom. You must also make sure he is handsome enough to distract the silly wife who might try to impose on your conversation with the husband. The partner should definitely be able to make a mean cosmopolitan – you know, since after her donuts and Jerry Springer, the wife probably drinks a lot too. And don’t forget that, of course, it is always the husband who makes the decision which church to attend and when. Women really have never traditionally had any say in those matters.
I know some of you are thinking, “If a creepy unmarried dude with bad hair and funny glasses asked to take my daughters back to their bedroom, I’d shoot his ass with my .38.” Well, now, that’s just plain unhospitable and you should be ashamed of yourself.
Once the visitor has the family under his control and doing what he wants them to do, he is free to sit down and enjoy a little tryst down memory lane. The visitor should always carry a photo album with lots of bus pictures [refer to list of visiting tools]. There’s nothing that adolescents enjoy more than looking at pictures of church buses! That’s always a sure-fire way to get new congregants. I know that’s how I chose my church – I really liked the pictures of their bus. For an extra special treat, be sure to include tons of pictures of people who your visitees do not know from Adam in your visiting album! And don’t forget the old church bulletins so the visitees won’t miss one single announcement!
By now you may be thinking to yourself, “Self, what if I get my kit together and go scouting for houses only to find no one is home? What should I do then?” Well, Self, you have two choices. You can either leave empty-handed or you can hang a creepy hand on the door to let the homeowner know that he or she (oh who are we kidding? Everyone knows a woman couldn’t own a home on her own!) missed a very important visit from Operation Sunshine Agent Double Oh Three Badge Six! The potential visitees will be bitterly disappointed at having missed the visit, so the creepy hand allows them the option of calling you to invite you over and invade their home! Oh I agree, it is much more fun to drop in unannounced, but being invited has its benefits too. I can’t think of any off the top of my head – it isn’t as if you will get to use your flashlight if you are invited, but I’m sure there are benefits.
Oops, gotta go. Someone just rang my door bell! And I’m all alone tonight and haven’t even loaded my .38 yet!