The other day I was watching my kid play in her little wading pool. Isn’t she cute? You must say yes or I will have secret Bush Administration Operatives come sabotage your next birthday party.
So, anyway, I was watching her splash around and I had a flashback to one summer when I was 11 or 12. We had a wading pool on our back deck and I needed to drain it because it was disgusting and I wanted clean water. No neighbor-kid-pee-filled pools for me. No sirree. Well, my mother decided that she would teach us about science (or maybe she was teaching us how to steal gas so we could join some underground criminal ring working for the Bush Administration, who’s to say?). She showed us that if we put one end of the hose into our pool and the other end into the garden, the water would magically siphon through the hose. After hours of watching water fantastically not flow uphill, I asked her if we could just drain it the regular way – by standing on one side and letting the water flow. My mother informed me that, if we hooked up the hose to the faucet, ran it for a minute, then abruptly shut off the valve, the water would flow backwards towards the spicket. Once again, I watched for hours but all I saw was the water getting deeper in the pool. I will grant you, though, that I have terrible eye-sight, so that could have had an effect on our little experiment. When she wasn’t looking, I stepped on the side and then ran in to tell her how awesome the experiment turned out. I relayed this childhood memory to her the other day and she swears I made it up in my head. According to her, she does not even know how to siphon fluid. The good news is that, if I ever get a hired by the Bush Administration to steal gasoline from B. Hussein Obama’s official campaign roller skate, I know how to do it. All you do is get a hose, plug it in a spicket, let the water run into the gas tank for awhile, then shut off the valve, and presto! you have free gas! Sadly, I’ll never be able to put this knowledge to good use; I hear the official B. Hussein Obama campaign roller skate runs on reconstituted chicken beaks and bat guano instead of petro products.
Speaking of free gas … okay, not free so much as cheap … alert reader named my friend Jen sent me this sign spotted outside her local burrito joint.
You should always buy burritos from a guy with a sense of humor. That’s always been my motto: Never buy a bean burrito from a non-funny dude. Speaking of joints, if I were a lawyer, I think I’d open up an office at this intersection.
Those signs, incidentally, were sent to me by my alert mother, the water siphoner. Can you imagine if I were a lawyer with an office there? “Hello. Thank you for calling Mary, Mary, and Mary attorneys at law, conveniently located at the corner of 52 and FU. How many I fu- I mean help you?”
Which brings us to the inevitable lawyer joke. I know, I know, it’s so cliche’ and beneath me; you are sorely disappointed that I would stoop to the level of lawyer jokes. But I think you’ll forgive me when you find out the lawyer is none other than B. Hussein Obama and the signs were sent to me by alert reader my friend Karena.
I don’t know Bud Gregg, but I think I like how he thinks! I wonder if he’d buy me a bean burrito at a little joint I found at 52 and FU. I hear they have a pool.