I am shamelessly going to steal Johnny Virgil’s idea. (Well, maybe not shamelessly so much as shamefully because I really am ashamed of myself for doing this. Especially since Johnny is so much funnier than I will ever be.) If you want to read a funnier version of this, you should really check out his blog at http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com. I wish I had some cool computer geeky friend who could tell me how to put the link there like all the cool kids do, by the way. Lest I leave you in suspense for too much longer, I reckon I should tell you what the heck I am talking about (or I could just leave you in the dark like I do to poor Self all the time – she is constantly finding notes that say such things as “Self. Cowboy them. Jute. Pink flamingo. Rolodex” and wondering what the heck I’m trying to tell her).
Drum roll please…
I am going to share with you some of my recent favorite google searches that brought people to my blog. It’s not an extensive list by any stretch of the imagination though. I think it’s the coolest thing on earth that I can see what other people google. Seriously. I spend hours contemplating what the heck people must be thinking when they google this stuff (“stuff” being a fancy word that we writers use often to describe a random grouping of random crap).
BUTT SHAPED JELLO MOLD: I’m pretty sure it was Martha Stewart who googled this one. I heard she was planning a Cell Block D Reunion Soiree, so she obviously came to the expert on decorating for ideas (which I’m sure she’ll pass off as her own – that’s okay, I’m flattered).
CHEESE: The 2 people who googled “cheese” are obviously google novices. Obviously, you have to specify what about cheese it is that you would like to learn. Do you need ideas on decorating for a bachelor party using only cheese? Do you need cheese recipes for a wedding (incidentally, I’ve always found that Easy Cheese is a nice compliment to the Natural Light on any good wedding buffet)? Did you cut the cheese and need to know how to get the smell out before your guests arrive? Or perhaps you need a butt shaped cheese mold. If you could be any more specific, I would certainly be glad to help you out (now I must add this aside so as not to end this sentence in a preposition).
ASSLESS CHAPS: I get about 22 people a day wanting to learn about assless chaps. They have the opposite issue of the cheese people – too much info. All chaps are assless. If they were assfull, they would be called pants. Nonetheless, this seems to be my 2nd largest demographic (the 1st being people who think I can tell them what the US government doesn’t want them to know). Anyway, the assless chaps people want to know where to buy them, how to make them, what to wear under them (dude, seriously, just get a pair of pants and forget the chaps – you obviously aren’t smart enough), if they will go with tube tops, if they must be dry cleaned, etc.
FASCINATING CLOCK: This one I can totally understand. I often get an overwhelming urge to look at fascinating clocks. After all, they are so … fascinating … and clockful! I wonder which sites people go to when they want to look at boring clocks? Probably the same site with the assfull chaps.
TEXT MESSAGE HUMOR: You, my friend(s), have come to the right spot! My blog is nothing if not full of text message humor! Uh-oh. PLOS! PLOS! PLOS! PIR! PIR! PIR! C U 2MRO!
ASSLESS CHAPS LINED IN FUR: This one gets its own bullet. For obvious reasons. It’s an interesting thought though. Yes, I would like my legs to be nice and toasty warm while my butt stays roughly the same temperature as inside my new Frigidaire.
FASCINATING CLOCKS SUCK: This search was obviously entered by a very disturbed individual. Probably the type of person who never comments on blog posts. Or who googles things like “Comcast sucks”, “yellow pants suck”, “assless chaps suck”, “secret Bush Administration operatives suck”, and so on and so forth. She certainly could never know the zen that one acquires from looking at fascinating clocks and is probably one of those people who watches boring TV shows where skinny girls eat cow testicles then throw them up over the sides of boats. I’m sure she doesn’t watch cool shows like Corner Gas.
Celia Rivenbark, if you are reading this (and, let’s face it, you probably are because I am quite obviously your humor muse and inspiration), Belle Weather Mostly Sunny with a Chance of Scattered Hissy Fits is awesome! It’s a rollicking good time adventure! I mean, I’m only on page 67, but I’ve still laughed out loud (or LOL’d) on almost every page! Great job. And you know, since I gave you a free plug to all my millions of faithful readers, you might consider sending me a signed copy. It’s what Martha Stewart would do.