My husband, Meat Galore, has always firmly believed that every red-blooded American should be arrested and go to jail at least once in his or her life. I totally disagree with him and always have. To that end, I have never been arrested. Until today.
It all started on a dark and rainy afternoon (today) when I went to Martin’s Milliner Mart to buy a hat hoping to keep the rain off my head. It was a gorgeous hat. A work of art. I put that beautiful hat on my head and walked out of the Mart into a cloudy rainy day.
Suddenly, a timid person screamed and fainted and a rabid squirrel dashed across the parking lot. There was a county sheriff a few feet away who pulled his firearm and said, “Freeze, woman in the hat! Get your hands up! Hands up! Do it now or I’ll taze you!” Not being one who is partial to being tazed, I did as he suggested.
As he handcuffed me and read me my rights, he told me that I was being arrested for, “…wearing a hat that might frighten timid persons, children, or animals,” which just so happens to be illegal in Missouri. Well, isn’t that just my luck? The first time in my life that I find a wonderful hat that doesn’t make me look like a dork and some timid person has to go screaming about it. Blah blah blah. The sheriff hauled me in to book me for this serious security breach. I was a little disappointed in the jail. I was hoping it would be all fancy with cable TV and LCD screens with 4 star catered meals like I keep hearing the other criminals get. But, oh no! Not poor ol’ Mary! Here’s where I ended up …
The food was terrible. You’d think that, with a jail like this, one could expect Aunt Bea to at least bring one some fried chicken. All I got was cold Vienna Sausages and off-brand pickles.
Luckily for me though, the State of Missouri considers drunkenness to be an inalienable right; so after Meat Galore came to throw my bail, I went and exercised one or more of my inalienable rights as a Missouri citizen.