Have you all heard of this Twitter thing? I think it’s some sort of cult. What you do is, you find all these “followers” to subscribe to your Tweets. (Did you ever, in your wildest dreams, think you’d see that last sentence in anything other than text-based porn?) Then you send out Twitters to your Followers letting them know what you are doing at any given moment. It’s supposed to help you keep in touch with far flung kith and kin. It just looks like a royal pain to me; perhaps because I am missing the gene that allows me to be competent at texting. Besides that, even I’m not narcissistic enough to believe that there are that many (or even any) people who want to know what I am doing at any given moment.
I imagine that a day in the life in Mary Twitter would go something like this:
0500: I just woke up.
0515: I just got out of the shower. Shit. Got electrocuted – do not text while wet.
0530: I am dressed and have my make-up done.
0540: I am eating an egg. I just gave Shelby a banana and some egg.
0550: I am telling Shelby good bye.
0600: I am driving to work and swerving maniacally.
0615: Rude people! Honking at me while I’m trying to text!
0620: TALK TO THE FINGER, JERKWAD! I’M TEXTING! LEARN HOW TO DRIVE DEFENSIVELY!
0630: I am at work.
0632: I am working.
0730: I am getting up to stretch my legs.
0735: I am working.
[Short-hand. This working non-sense could go on for several hours. I’d hate to subject you to that.]
But you get the idea. Think of the most boring person you know and then imagine getting 98 messages a day from him or her letting you know what he or she is doing. Yawn.
It sounds like an excellent way for burglars to scout out my house. And with the recent rash of melon baller thefts in my area, I just can’t risk it. Oh wait, yes I can; I’m a second amendment proponent! I can do whatever I want!
My alert parents sent me this picture of some crackers they bought the other day. They were trying to figure out what flavor they (the crackers, not my parents) are. I think they are sardine and black olives with other natural flavors.
I bet if they were fluent in Espanol, “quattro formaggio” could provide a clue for them. But I’m not sure if formaggio is the natural flavor or the other natural flavor. Remember the slogan from, well, now? “Quattro Formaggio: The Other Natural Flavor.”
Or is it the other white meat? Tweet.
1802: Just consumed dos quattro formaggios.