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Archive for April, 2009

My alert friend, Deanna, recently bought a new television antenna.  (I keep telling her that she just needs to break down and get satellite so she can watch Corner Gas, but she never listens to me.  However, if she had gotten a satellite, we wouldn’t have found this little gem – so it’s a mixed bag.)

At any rate, Deanna bought a new antenna and found these little warnings in the instructions.

In case you can’t see it clearly or you think you are hallucinating, let me just quote it for you.  “WARNING:  Do not attempt to install if drunk, pregnant, or both.  Do not eat antenna.  Do not throw antenna at spouse.

I have spent the last week and a half trying to come up with commentary equal to the task of these idiotic warnings, but I guess I’m just not that talented.  Or else they are so stupid that any commentary would just be beating a dead horse…

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I stopped by a church garage sale on my way home from work today and picked these up for Shelby Shelb because I figured she’d like soap crayons.  Plus, she can eat the bath oil balls.

Each set was only a quarter and they were brand new.  Supposedly, they are aromatherapy-esque.  (They originally came from Wal-Mart and were made in China so I kind of doubt any real granola chewers would buy them.)  They smelled good and I was pleased with my purchase.  Until I got to the front to pay and noticed something on the red set.  Let’s see if my faithful readers can spot it …

Do you see it?

The theme of the red one is “Romance”!!!  Oh my gosh, I am cracking up!  Can you imagine that pick up line?  “Hey, Baby.  What say we get in my tub and color each other red?”  What dork came up with that one?  “I’ll color yours if you color mine, Baby.”

Excuse me while I go crack up some more.  And give Shelby the Green “Refreshing” set.  I’m saving the red ones for Meat Galore.

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I’m always looking for ways to entertain and stimulate Shelby Shelb.  I can’t remember where I found this idea, but I’m going to share it anyway.  It’s a super cheap craft for your toddler.  Although I should clarify that this is a craft you should make for your toddler, not with your toddler.

Seriously.  You can’t get any cheaper than this I don’t think.

bottles 2

All I did was take an empty water bottle and fill it about halfway with baby oil.  Then I put in some glitter (yes, I use Martha Stewart glitter because it is totally awesome glitter) and sequins.  I had all the supplies on hand except the baby oil which I just got at Wal-Mart for a dollar and a half or something.  The sequins are hard to see because I am not coordinated enough to get them shaken up and take a picture before they sink.  But I think you can still sort of see them in the second picture.  Before putting the lid back on, I ran a thick layer of Tacky glue around the mouth of the bottle so that Shelby won’t be able to get the lid off.

I wasn’t so sure about them at first, but Shelby Shelb loves them!  She has been carrying them around since this morning when I gave them to her!  When I handed them to her, she said, “Oh wow!”

Here is one last picture of them nestled in with the pretty petunias that I planted last night.  You probably don’t need this third picture, but I have an overwhelming urge to show off these flowers.

There are just a couple things you should probably note.  The first is that it does not take much glitter at all.  I put way too much in the blue bottle (it’s green, teal, and gold glitter).  I was going for an ocean type theme, but I got so much glitter in there that you can’t really see the sequins.  With that much glitter, it would have been much better to leave out the sequins.  I used about 1/3 of the glitter in the red one and you can see the sequins really well.  I made a cone out of scrap paper to use as a funnel so that I could get the glitter in in an orderly fashion.

Also, the original place I found it suggested using food coloring in the baby oil too.  I thought that was tempting disaster so I left it out.

On an unrelated note, does anyone know how to get baby oil out of carpeting?

haha.  Just kidding.  I glued the lids, remember?

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My friend Shelley used to be obsessed with the Last Supper.  To the point that, if she walked into your home and didn’t see one, she would tell you that you needed to get one.

Well, my mother got this Last Supper figurine for Christmas and I have been meaning to post it but haven’t gotten around to it yet.

I remembered about it yesterday when we were at my folks’ house.  Shelby was playing with it and Mom said, “Don’t let her break that.”  So I took the figurine away from Shelby and put it on the mantel.

It turned out to be really sad.  There was wailing and gnashing of teeth (real tears and everything!).  Then Shelby started trying to claw her way up the front of the fireplace to get to the mantel!  Being her mother, I was ignoring her.  Being her grandmother, my mom couldn’t take it so she got the figurine and gave it back to Shelby.

I should have made her sign a release of responsibility in case it got broken!  But my mom’s pretty cool, she doesn’t get too worked up about that sort of thing.

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It’s time for another Craptabulous Tuesday!  This week I bring you … EASTER EGGS!!!!  What’s that you say?  It’s impossible to screw up Easter eggs?  Alas.  It’s not.  Not even close to being impossible.

Unless you’ve been living under a rock far far away from all crafters and bloggers, then you have seen these silk tie Easter eggs from Martha Stewart:

http://www.marthastewart.com/article/silk-tie-easter-eggs

Half the bloggers in the world have done this craft and shared it.  (I first stumbled upon it at Dollar Store Crafts – see link at right.)  So I rushed right out to the nearest thrift store and bought 3 silk ties.  Then I rushed to the general store to get some white eggs since I generally buy brown.  I came home, followed the instructions carefully, unwrapped my beautiful eggs and …

TAAADAAAA!!!!

That’s right!  They are as white as the wind-driven snow!  Yay me!  Exciting Easter eggs!

The best I can figure (and this is under the advisement of one of my co-workers) is that I got ties that had been cleaned so all the dye that would normally bleed out had already done so and there was none left to bleed onto my eggs.  Which makes sense.  And I’m sure Martha didn’t buy silk ties from a thrift store – I’m sure hers were brand spanking new.  Pshaw.

So, after my failed experiment, I decided to dye my eggs the old fashioned way.  The way Jesus and His Disciples did it.  I went to Wal-Mart and bought a no-fail “Magic Glitter Egg Kit”.  Magic my foot.

Okay, the white stripes were on purpose.  Sort of.  I wrapped rubber bands around a couple of the eggs.  I guess they weren’t tight enough because the die leaked under them.  What?  Why do I have 5 pink eggs, 1 blue egg, and one yellow egg?  Well, I don’t.  You are looking at a yellow egg, a blue egg, 2 pink eggs, and 3 purple eggs.  Duh.

Besides my rubber band trick not working, the pink and purple ended up looking exactly the same.  Then the orange didn’t take but I had already dumped out the blue dye so I had to make yet another pink egg.  The yellow was pretty until I decided to glitter it (there are 3 glitter eggs in the picture).  Apparently, my “Magic Glitter Stick ‘Em” rinsed most of the yellow color off.  And we won’t even get into the spots on the blue egg …

There is a bit of good news though … I can safely eat my eggs without worrying about being poisoned by Chinese Easter Egg Dye Lead as seen here:

I officially give up on coloring Easter eggs.

For more fantastic craft failures, check out a new blog put out by Dollar Store Crafts:  http://craftfail.com/

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I have been in the mood to embroider lately for some reason.  I don’t do it often – mostly because transferring the patterns is a bit of a pain and I’m a bit lazy.  Anyway, I found a darling bunny pattern over at Orange Flower Patterns ( http://orangeflowerpatterns.blogspot.com/ ).

Here’s my version.

I was just going to use it to practice as I hadn’t embroidered in awhile and I wanted to do a pillowcase for Shelby.  But it turned out so cute that I had to do something with it.  So I took it to my friend Missie, who owns the local quilt shop, and had her make it into a little pillow that hangs on a door knob.  I didn’t take a picture of the back, but it’s a nice 1930’s (plus or minus) reproduction print.

Shelby got very excited when she saw me hang it up – she thinks it’s a purse – so it has not hung on the doorknob for any longer than it took to take the picture!  I wanted to get a picture of her carrying it around like a purse, but it’s difficult to get her picture these days because she has decided she likes to be behind the camera and see the images on the screen.

It’s slightly out of focus because she was fixing to bolt over to see what was on the camera screen.

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Occasionally I worry that I will run out of things to blog about.  Then I  do something like visit Dollar General and all my fears are laid to rest.  That’s where I found this hollow chocolate Easter bunny … Hollow … as if to symbolize the fact that he doesn’t appear to have a soul and wants to steal yours …

I love how it looks as though his eyes are falling out of their sockets.  Nice.  And, no, those aren’t breasts.  Those are his demonic little paws.  (Oh, don’t act like you didn’t think they looked like breasts.)

What’s the deal with the scary Easter Bunny candy this year?  I think it’s a conspiracy by the American Psychiatrists’ Association.  In 15 or 20 years, they will have all the work they can handle just from dealing with people who, as children, were traumatized by Easter candy with psycho eyes.

Just so you know, when I got done photographing this demonic Easter bunny, I bit off one of his ears and put the rest of him on my neighbor’s patio table.  That’s right, the neighbor who brings his dog over to poop in my yard.  Bwahahahahaha.  [Rubs hands deviously.]

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