Archive for May, 2009

Can you hear that faint crying sound?  It’s my poor blog crying, “Pay attention to me!”  I know.  I’m bad.  It has been 2 weeks since I blessed my faithful readers with words from Mary.  But so much has happened to me lately … Okay, not really.  I just had a case of writer’s block mixed with a mild case of lazies.  Well maybe not “lazies” so much as “worn out from chasing a 20 month old.”

At any rate, I thought you all might get a kick out of my new action figures.  I’ve been to 2 Dollar Trees and both were sold out of Jesus.  Sigh.  But I got Noah and Moses.  I’d like to know how Noah’s ears got so big!  Gee whiz, he could probably have gotten the Ark airborne with those things!  Moses looks like Charlton Heston.


Okay, those are cute.  What really cracks me up is the back of the package.  The age warning looks more like they don’t want sad babies playing with their toys.

Then there’s the whole offering of parenting advice without first proofreading it.

Okay, not my funniest find.  But it’s all I got!

My faithful readers will remember that, not too long ago, I caught my neighbor bringing his dog over to poop in my yard.  Well, today, I caught his shack up honey throwing eggs into my yard in approximately the same area where they were taking the dog to poop.  When I walked back there to confront Ms. Rotten Crotch, she saw me, her eyes got huge, and she sprinted into the house.  So I went over, knocked on her door, and we had a chat.  I won’t get into all the details, but the dumbest thing she said was, “I don’t see what the big deal is, you don’t mow back there.”  First of all, she was throwing them at my tree and, no, I don’t mow the tree.  But I mow around the tree.  However, that is beside the point.  I told her, “It’s my yard, I don’t have to mow there if I don’t want to.  It doesn’t mean you can throw your garbage back there.”  Although it might have been peppered with words that didn’t make it sound as calm and saintly as it did just now when I typed it out.  Apparently, the eggs were expired and she needed to get rid of them.  ??  Apparently, the rot has reached her brain and it didn’t occur to her to throw them away.  Or put them down the garbage disposer.  Nonetheless … I’m sure there will be more little neighbor to neighbor chats to come.

P.S.  If you are thinking, “That Mary.  What a fertile imagination she has.  Surely, there is no one lunatic enough to be throwing random garbage into peoples’ yards, I have a witness this time.  My mother.  And she’s a member of the clergy so she’s probably more credible than even I am.  Although my imagination isn’t fertile enough to make this up either.


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I am now the proud owner of the most asinine book ever written.  And I do mean the most.  Ever.

It is called “Kitchen Playdates” by Lauren Bank Deen and is described as “Easy ideas for entertaining that includes the kids.”  I was expecting ideas along the lines of, “Put an avocado in a Ziploc and let your kid smoosh it up to help make guacamole.”  Or, “Fill a wading pool with cooked spaghetti and let the fun begin!”  Or, “Use a cookie cutter to make fun shaped PB&J sandwiches.”  That’s what I was expecting.

Instead I got grand ideas for kids’ playdates like: grilled lobsters with garlic butter, edamame dip, brussels sprouts with bacon and cream … Seriously?  Brussels sprouts with bacon and cream?!  That will make your kid the hit of the school.  That’s what this woman considers reasonable playdate fare?

“Let’s go to Tommy’s house!  His mom makes the best broccoli rabe and brussels sprouts with bacon and cream!  Yay!”

  I think my favorite is “Parchment-Baked Halibut with Shiitakes, Lemon, and Herbs.”  Would you like to know how your kid could help with that?  They can “do almost all the work.  Older kids should be supervised if cutting the lemons.”  (I guess the younger kids don’t need supervision while cutting the lemons.)

What I don’t understand is that this book got four stars on Amazon.  Surely I cannot be the only mother in America who thinks that Asian Radicchio Slaw is inappropriate for a playdate … Surely I cannot be that much of an underachiever!

For Pete’s sakes, who invites the kids over for Curried Roasted Cauliflower?!

In case you are wondering, no, I am not making any of this up.  My imagination is not that fertile.

I’m trying to figure out what the heck to do with this book.  I could put it on my Bookmooch site, but I’d really hate to inflict this nonsense on another poor unsuspecting mother.  I’m tempted to leave it on my bookshelf for those days when I need a good laugh.  Or to give me and my other mother friends something to laugh about.

I suppose we could always try out some of the recipes at our next playdate … because every kid loves Sesame Orzo With Dried Apricots, Currants, and Slivered Almonds.  Really.  They do.  I wouldn’t make that up.

My mom thinks I should write about her.  Ummmm … Well, I can honestly say that my dear mother never served lobster with garlic butter at any of my playdates.  Although she did make chili for my entire Girl Scout troop once.  And she threw a mean tea party.

P.S.  What is broccoli rabe anyway?  I tried to look for clues in the recipe, but one of the ingredients is broccoli rabe.

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I’ve been in the mood to embroider lately.  Probably because PipStitch (http://pipstitch.blogspot.com) posts so many cute links.

This first is a pillowcase that I made for the Shelbinator.  I got the pattern at Needle Crafter (http://www.needlecrafter.com).  If you haven’t visited her site and you like to stitch, you should really go over there.  She has tons of free patterns.

Then I made this tea towel for my grandma for Mother’s Day.  I traced a coloring page that I found at http://www.texasbob.com.  My Grandma doesn’t like Texas or anything, I just liked the pattern…Kidding!  She moved to Texas a few years ago.  And, yes, I stitched Texas in pink.

In case my superior embroidery skills don’t make it blatantly obvious, those are supposed to be blue bonnets…

Here is a tea towel I made as an Easter gift for a friend.  I think I’m going to wear out this bunny pattern from Orange Flower Patterns!  (http://orangeflowerpatterns.blogspot.com/ )

And here is the best craft of all!  Dollar Tree has small unfinished birdhouses.  Shelby picked one out, I spray painted it white, and then let her decorate it with permanent markers.  It’s a Mother’s Day gift for my grandma.

Okay, that’s all I have tonight.

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