Altered Clipboard

Altered clipboards are fun and easy.  They are a very quick, instant gratification project also.  Here is one I did for a friend’s daughter.

Start with a regular wooden clipboard from Wal-Mart.  Paint the top with an acrylic paint (I used Folk Art brand, but any acrylic paint will do).  After the paint is completely dry, cover the board with decoupage (Mod Podge), adhere a piece of patterned paper (I used a piece of paper from the Die Cuts With A View Rock Star Stack) that has been cut to size, and finish off with a layer of decoupage on top.  Once the decoupage is dry, you can decorate it anyway you like.

I decoupaged on the saying and the pirate flag from K & Company’s Pirate Princess line.  I went around the saying with a silver Stickle from Ranger.  I adhered the ribbon and garter clip around the middle with Aleene’s Tacky Glue.  At the top, I punched holes with my Crop-A-Dile and tied coordinating ribbon through them.

The possibilites for an altered clipboard are as endless as your imagination, I have done several with many different themes.  Enjoy!

 

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Debunking Diet Myths.

These days, it seems that nearly everyone is on some sort of diet or other.  If I go to lunch with friend A, we can’t get Mexican food – too much fat.  If I go with friend B, we can’t get Panera Bread – too many carbs.  Blah blah blah.

Don’t worry.  I am here to tell you there are some new diet rules in town.

First of all, who says pizza isn’t diet food?  True, a nice hot steamy pizza will pack the pounds on.  BUUUUUT, if you put the pizza in your fridge overnight and it eat cold while you are standing up the next morning, then it has no calories.  It’s some sort of quantum mechanics theory, don’t ask me to explain it.

Now we all know that carbs are bad for you.  But who needs carbs when you have bacon?  If you put your bacon between two thick slices of cheddar cheese instead of bread, voila!  Instant healthful sandwich!  Feel like you need some vegetables?  Stick a slab of tomato between the cheese and the bacon.

According to one of my co-workers, Snickers now has a dark chocolate variety!  That means it’s a heart healthy food because we all know that dark chocolate is good for the heart.  Don’t care for dark chocolate?  Then opt for the milk chocolate variety.  Milk chocolate Snickers bars have it all – dairy, legumes, vegetables.  After all, what is high fructose corn syrup if not a vegetable?

According to all the Kellogg’s and Quaker Oats commercials, Americans need to eat more whole grains.  Now, it seems to me that hops and barley would constitute whole grains.  What food has both of those wonderful whole grains?  That’s right – BEER!  The super food! 

If you still feel a little light on your veggies, then you can always pop some popcorn.  Be sure to add melted butter for that extra calcium boost.

There you have it, simple ways to eat better and lose weight.  Buen provecho!

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Britches, booze, and buns. Why I like (not love) Wal-Mart.

Back in my younger wilder days, I used to go to Wal-Mart purely to check out the fresh meat – and by fresh meat, I mean not-so-fresh young men.  I found bib overalls really hot.  (I also drank a lot in my younger wilder days.)  These days, I go mainly to marvel at the high loads that spandex can accomodate and wonder which will be the Twinkie that rips that seam right open.  Plus, it’s kind of cool to see who can fit the biggest breasts into a camisole with a built in bra.

Today, after my regular tri-weekly Wal-Mart run, I was drinking a beer and reflecting on my awesome purchases when it suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks – or a run-away cart if your Wal-Mart is anything like mine.  Wal-Mart is the only place I can think of where a person can buy workout pants, beer, eggplant, and a fishing license all in one convenient stop.  And by convenient, I mean hellish.  Had it not been for Uncle Sam – I mean Sam Walton, then one would have to make 3, possibly 4, stops to get all those provisions.  And if you get tired or hungry while wandering the aisles, well you can always go to the snack bar and indulge in a soft pretzel with extra salt.  Not that I would do that, understand, since I’m on Weight Watchers again and all.

Is it too hot, cold, or rainy for your daily walk?  You can always speed-walk the aisles.  I’m sure you have all seen the much forwarded email detailing all kinds of fun things to do at Wal-Mart, such as putting condoms in old ladys’ carts.  I prefer to go to the women’s panty department (or “foundations” as they are called at Wal-Mart), take a whiff of some and say real loud, “Oh my goodness!  Someone has WORN these!  Gross!”  That’s good times right there.

The only bad part about my trip today was the cashier.  She carded me and I said, “Thank you.  I haven’t been carded in awhile.”  (I’m sure that’s more a function of the fact that I frequent the local liquor store too much and not the fact that I look younger than I am.)  She said, “I hate to burst your bubble–”  I interrupted her with a warning look and a “stop right there.”  Of course she continued, “We’ve been told we are supposed to card anyone who is younger than 40.”  I guess I can take heart that at least I look younger than 40.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I hear a Twinkie calling my name and I need to adjust my Lycra.

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Commercials I don’t understand.

I don’t claim to be the most clever or smartest woman in town, but I possess at least an average intelligence (at least I like to think I do).  However, there are some things in this world that I just don’t understand.

I don’t understand how a creepy little kid whispering “zoom zoom” can help sell cars.  For some reason, Mazda seems to think that if they whisper that magic word enough times, you will have an overwhelming urge to go purchase a Mazda.  The only overwhelming urge I get is to hit my “mute” button and shut the little booger up.  Besides, since when are 10 year old boys allowed to drive?  Where are this kid’s parents?  I always think he will look better with a little mustache drawn on with permanent marker.  Who in their right mind would take car purchasing advice from a 10 year old boy who looks like he should have a marker mustache?

M&M’s with hair puzzle me also.  Does Mars think that by dressing up M&M’s as human beings they will suddenly look more appetizing?  I don’t know about you, but I think there are few things better than M&M’s, so why the need to turn them into characters?  Who wants to eat the lovable characters?  Humanizing the candies makes it seem like cannibalism.  And who would eat a candy that has the potential of giving one hairballs?  I think Mars should just show a shot of a great big bowl of M&M’s.  I’m sure Mars will take my suggestion since I am now an official blogger and, as we all know, the real power in this country lies with the bloggers.

The KIA commercial where the drivers can’t figure out which side of the car their gas tanks are on makes no sense.  Why would you want to advertise that dumb people drive your cars?  I don’t want to be dumb.  Does driving the car make you dumb or do you have to be dumb to drive the car?  What is KIA driving at (pun intended)?  I would think that anyone who is capable of getting a driver’s license should also be capable of looking for the arrow on the gas gauge to show which side of the car the gas tank is on.

I don’t understand the warning on the Ambien commercial that says it “may cause drowsiness”.  Well, no kidding?  I would never have thought that a sleeping pill could have that particular side effect.  I certainly wouldn’t want to become drowsy after taking one; that would be terrible.  Actually, I take that back.  I would hope it causes drowsiness, otherwise it would be a completely useless product.  It’s not like people who sleep too much are rushing to the doctor’s office hoping to find a sleeping pill that will keep them awake.  Well maybe some people do that, but insomnia is probably the least of their problems.  Goodness knows we don’t need anymore useless products on the market.

While I’m at it…why do diet foods advertise “less calories”.  Shouldn’t it be “fewer calories”?  You would think that, for what Kellogg’s charges for a box of cereal, they could hire a person to proofread their boxes before they are sent to production.  That person could also proofread my blogs and fix all the sentences that end in prepositions.

I’m not a bigshot advertising executive, just a lonely little consumer.  It seems to me though that if your advertisement does not speak to your potential consumers, then it is rather pointless; at least as pointless as a sleeping pill that doesn’t cause drowsiness.

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Altered Coasters

Here’s a unique gift for all those bridal showers and graduation parties this month – coasters.  Who couldn’t use a set of coasters?  I made these for my sister.

I purchased some Italian marble tiles at Home Depot.  Simply cut decorative paper to size (approximately 4×4).  Clean the tiles with a damp cloth.  Brush a thin layer of decoupage over the tile and adhere your paper.  When the decoupage dries, sand the edges of the paper and apply another layer of decoupage.  Once that dries, you can embellish it however you wish.  I used acrylic paints and Making Memories foam stamps to stamp my sister’s monogram and some brackets in the lower left corner.  When the paint dries, finish off with several layers of decoupage (let the layers dry between applications); the decoupage will waterproof your creation.

 

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The New Joys of JELLO

I don’t know about you, but lately I’ve been thinking that the Joys of JELLO have been getting a little stale.  Luckily, on a recent trip to the thrift store, I found the solution to my JELLO rut.  It’s a lovely little book called “The New Joys of JELLO”.  Let me tell you, was I ever joyous to find this gem!  I’ve always been of the belief that there are few foods in this world that can’t be improved upon by adding JELLO and/or marshmallows to it, that’s why I was so delighted to find an entire cookbook devoted to JELLO recipes!

 While the children in this illustration may at first glance appear to be a little on the creepy side, have no worries, they are perfectly lovable.  Who else but a perfectly lovable little boy (albeit one with a rather odd haircut) would invite all his friends over for a JELLO party?  Look how happy they all are!  Ahhh the simpler times of the 1970s when just the thought of a sundae-shaped JELLO mold was enough to make the heart flutter!  The waffle cones filled with JELLO is just pure genius!  I think I will be making that for my next party.

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