This is a Terrible Invention.

Seriously.  What genius thought that anyone would like to simulate the effects of an STD just for fun?

Can you imagine?  “Oh, Baby.  Either you are really good at this, or you’re giving me herpes.  Either way, keep doing it.”

Gives new meaning to “A Hunk of Burning Love.”  I apologize, I just can’t stop.  But you have to admit, these things are like a petri dish for burning crotch jokes.

Somewhere in the world, some misguided man is trying to woo his lady with Johnny Cash and a box of Fire and Ice condoms, “…I fell in to a burning ring of fire…”

Okay, that’s all.  I promise.

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A Princess Party. Just Because It’s Monday.

Last night I had to go to Dollar General so I let my daughter pick out a mylar balloon.  This morning, she said, “Close your eyes.”  Then she put her hands over my eyes, took her hands away, said, “Happy Surprise Day!”  And gave me the balloon.  She did this several dozen times throughout the day.

Later on, my husband took her to the grocery store where they had a display cake that was a fairy princess castle.  She wanted that princess cake sooooo bad.  She even came home and told me about it.  Then she said she wanted a princess party.  Her birthday isn’t until September.  I thought, what the heck?  Let’s have a princess party just because it’s Monday!

I went back to the store to get some princess cupcakes but they didn’t have any.  So I just got the birthday cupcakes and made my own cupcake picks using my Cricut and some sequins.  Ordinarily, I would make the cupcakes myself but this was very last minute.

I went to Dollar General and got some princess party hats, napkins, and party favors (the things you blow and the paper rolls out – what are those called anyway?).

While Hurricane was taking her nap, I set the table with a purple tablecloth, my vintage appetizer plates and cups, and put out a flower arrangement I had made for Easter.

When she woke up, she went into the kitchen and saw her princess party and said, “Wow!  My own princess party!”  While I was making the spaghetti (princesses eat spaghetti, right?), she said, “Me love this party!  Thanks, Mom!”  Then she said, “You’re the best mom ever!”  Awwwww.  Just to hear that, I’d make a princess party every day!

Her dad was working and it was kind of short notice to invite any of her friends, so it was just the 2 of us.  That’s okay because I think she’s a pretty special dinner partner!

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Price Tags

You know when you give a person a gift and you accidentally forget to take off the price tag?  Yeah, it’s kind of like that.

**Last name is blurred so you can’t go tell these peoples’ grandchildren that they spent too much.  Or not enough.  Or you love the headstone.  Or you hate it.  Or whatever you would like to tell their grandchildren.**

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Vigorous New Workout Routine

For years I have been operating under the delusion that I need to be sweating to get a good workout.  For years I would come home from workouts and walks all sweaty and stinky and gross.  Had I known that a mere $3 would render this unnecessary, I think my life would have turned out very differently.  I would probably already look like Jennifer Aniston.

I found this ball at a garage sale for $3.  Yes, you read that right.  Three dollars.

(Except mine is red.)  I sat on the thing for almost an hour watching Memphis Beat and sipping iced tea.  Hell, I even had a few M&M’s during my vigorous workout.  My core feels awesome!  At least I think it does.  I’m not real clear on what my core actually is … Although I am certain it is not spelled “corps” and most positive that it is not pronounced “corpse.”  The best part is that I’m pretty sure this is a workout routine I can do faithfully every single day with no whining!

When I was conducting online research (which reminds me, I was watching a show where a guy was talking about how he was a Professor of Online Research at some university – talk about a cake job!), I discovered that these things have actually been recalled.  I guess if you over-inflate it, it can blow up causing you to land on the floor.  47 people had reported injuries as of the recall.  Here’s what I’d like to know … what kind of person would actually admit to being injured because they sat on a ball, popped it because they were too fat, and fell 2 whole feet (probably less since the ball actually compresses when you sit on it) to the floor?!  What the heck, man?  I would be completely embarrassed to admit that; and that’s coming from the girl who once went to the school nurse because a chair fell on her head!

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The Mystery of the Terrible Two’s Is Solved!

My 2 year old daughter (Hurricane, as we like to call her these days) has really gotten into taking pictures.  Which doesn’t bother me – “film” is free!

Last night I was going through the pictures she took and suddenly the universe answered an age old mystery.  Why do children get the Terrible Two’s?  Or Terrible Three’s?

 

You’d be cranky too if this is what the world looked like from your perspective!  This also explains why all the midgets I know are incessantly angry.

Of course it’s not all dirty socks and shedding camels.  There are good days too.  Days when your mom takes you to the Botanical Garden and you get to take pictures of the sky.

And the flowers.

And giant wooden spiders.

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This way. This way. It’s all THIS WAY.

I recently had occasion to pull into the parking lot of the high school I graduated from.  The campus doesn’t really appear to have any new buildings, but it does have this great new sign.

This sign is at the entrance to the parking lot.  There is literally no other way to go except for the direction the arrows point in.  When I saw it, I started laughing so hard I could barely steer my vehicle.  But I can’t think of anything smart aleck to say – I think it speaks for itself.

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