People are annoying me.

I don’t know why.  Perhaps it’s because I’ve had a super-shitty day.  Or perhaps I just have too much time on my hands to sit and stew on these things.  Or maybe, heaven forbid, my husband is right and there is just nothing left to kill off the stupid people in this world so they just reproduce and reproduce and reproduce and just go out in public whenever they dang well please.  Your IQ should have to be at least as high as any one contestant on “I Love New York.”

For instance, this guy’s parents should have had sense enough to change their dang last name!  I guess we should be thankful that old Louis is a singer and not a doctor or something.  Could you imagine that billboard?  “DENTURES IN ONE DAY!  ONLY $99.  CALL DR. CRAPITTO AT 1-800-DOC-CRAP!”

 I’d like to thank my alert mother for sending me that picture.

You know what is annoying me?  People and their stupid cell phones.  Now I won’t gripe at you for driving and yapping on the phone; I’m the worst offender in that department – but I’m a superior driver, so it’s okay for me to do it.  I don’t care if you want to drive and talk on the phone, at least that way I can’t hear your stupid conversations.  No.  I am talking about the numb-skulls who insist on bringing their phones into every retail store they enter.  You know the ones.  They block the aisle and force all us normal people to wait until they finish their conversation and realize that behold! they are not the only ones in Ron’s Wheel, Tire, Stereo, and Grocery Supercenter and they should move out of the way! 

I know what’s coming!  Don’t do it!  I know the first argument is, “But, I carry it with me in case my kids have an emergency!”  Blah.  If that’s the case, then you should only answer it if your kid is calling you!  I have never once heard a conversation that went this way, “Oh my gosh!  Apply pressure, call 911, and I’ll be there in 10 minutes!”  Oh no.  Every call I have ever overheard (it’s not eavesdropping because the same people who talk on their phones in the store are also the same ones who feel the need to shout into it), “And then after the PTA meeting, Jan told me that my skirt hem was too high!  Can you imagine the nerve?!  Why that hussy!  I heard her special recipe cookies are really Pillsbury Break and Bake!  What kind of Jingo mom makes break and bake cookies?!  Which color lipstick should I get?  Do you think Retro Rose will make me look old?”  True story, I was once in Barnes and Noble one aisle over from a woman in her fifties who had her grown son on speakerphone and was shouting into the phone as they talked about what he did that day!

But those people don’t hold a candle to the ones who bring their cell phones into church.  Now I realize that doctors are sometimes on call and need to have their pagers or cell phones with them.  My question is: what’s up with the roofers who are bringing their phones into church?  Why can’t they turn them on vibrate?  Is there really a roofing emergency that can’t wait 45 minutes (30 if there’s a Chiefs game)?  Or are they trying to impress someone?  As if God is up in heaven saying, “Well, I had old Jim on the maybe list, but I never realized how important he was!  He must really be somebody if no one can go without his advice for an hour!  Peter, move him to the definitely list!  Immediately!”  Does it ever occur to these people that maybe, just maybe, the more likely scenario is that Mr. Important isn’t good enough to train his crew to be able to do any simple task without being told how to do it?

I’m on a roll now.  What’s up with scoops on pick up trucks?  I even saw one on a conversion van yesterday!  What the heck?  Is that supposed to make a freaking conversion van more aerodynamic?  Kind of like a big old brick with wings?  I don’t get that at all.  Of course, I don’t understand the whole crappy 4-cylinder Escort with custom wheels and surround sound either.  Maybe I’m just a nerd.  It has 4 cylinders!  Whoo-hoo!  I’m so impressed!  Forget that ’69 Road Runner with a 426 Hemi V-8; check out the Bond-o on that Ford Escort!  Seriously.

Furthermore, putting chrome door handles on a mini-van does not make it cool.  There is no way to make a mini-van look cool.  It is a mini-van.  That’s why they call it mini-van; it’s from the Greek root uncoolmobile.  It’s a fact of life that everyone grows up and has to make concessions to family and age, but please, for the love of all that is purple, do not fall into the trap of thinking that mini-vans are cool!  Next thing you know, you’ll be wearing black knee socks with your loafers and shorts!

Wow!  I feel so much better!  That was entirely therapeutic.  I highly suggest starting your own blog for just this reason.  I bet Sarah Palin gets it; she gets me.  I think she should dump the old guy though and run for number 1.

Read Full Post »

Stupid organic pop-tarts and meat galore!

On my last trip to Costco, I bought a case of organic toaster pastries (pop-tarts, for those of us in the know).  Why, you ask, would I buy such a thing?  It is because I have decided to become more socially aware.

Just kidding.  Got you though, didn’t I?

The real reason is that they were on sale super cheap and they did not say “diet” or “sugar free” or any ridiculous thing like that.  Turns out that the phrase “organic pop-tarts” roughly translates to “crappy cardboard tasting toaster pastries from hell.”  I got all Sandra Lee on them and doused them with Betty Crocker cake icing to fix them.  It wasn’t half bad.  At any rate, last night, I was cleaning out my closet and munching on my granola – I mean my organic toaster pastry when I bit down on something hard.  I can only assume it was a clod of dirt – which would go a long way toward explaining the flavor.  It broke my tooth.  Now I have to get a stupid implant because of the stupid organic pop tart.  And I don’t mean the fun kind of implant either.

Being all depressed about being a 29 year old woman who has to get a fake tooth, I called my husband and told him that we were having pizza for dinner tonight.  It’s not that I had to ask if he liked the idea – the man thinks pizza is the nectar of the gods and that the gods prefer the grease flavor on thin crust.  I just needed to know what flavor of nectar he wanted.  He told me that he wanted a “large meat galore.”  A what?!  “A large meat galore.”  I responded in the way any normal woman would, “Okay, a large meat lovers, my darling meat galore.” 

Turns out it’s embarrassing to be corrected by the pizza lady.  Apparently, Casey’s Pizza calls their meat lovers a meat galore.  Which is ironic since that is what I now call the hubby.

Read Full Post »

Random Stuff and Such.

I love being a redneck.  For instance, if you are a redneck, it is perfectly acceptable to use the phrase “stuff ‘n such.”  So it’s cool.

Anyway, I went out on my front deck this evening to stain my deck and came upon the coolest thing ever!  Our neighborhood has some sort of gnat infestation.  My personal opinion is that they are attracted by the sweet gum trees.  At any rate, they are particularly bad this year because we had such a mild summer.  So I found this spider web with about 1000 gnats in it.  Looks like he has lunch for the next few weeks!

 

 

And here’s another picture of the same web, but I was playing around with my camera settings and turned on the flash.  I like the effect (or is it affect?); well, whatever it is, I like it.

We celebrated my sisters’ birthdays this weekend and I was in charge of the cake.  I went on flickr.com and looked up “cake” hoping to get some ideas on how to decorate mine.  I browsed for hours and envisioned my square red velvet cake with beautiful white icing with gorgeous red flowers and butterflies fluttering across it.  I even bought a coordinating plate.

So I went to the Price Chopper and got the ingredients for my cake.  But, when I was standing in the cake mix aisle, I had a revelation.  I thought, “Self, do you even know what the heck fondant is?!  No, you do not.  So how the heck do you propose to make this mysterious fondant?”  Then I replied, “Don’t worry, we’ll get some frosting in a can and it’ll be all good.”  On a whim, I picked up some red icing to outline my cake with a beautiful border.

As it turns out, I not only don’t know how to make fondant, I’m not real clear on how to apply beautiful red borders either.  Here’s the final product.  Mmmmmm.  Appetizing.  Or not.  At least it tasted good.  In case you want to take baking advice from a woman who doesn’t know how to make fondant – I add a box of instant pudding and a cup of sour cream to the mix to make it taste richer and more scratch-like.

 

But lest you think I’m totally lacking in Marthabilities, I’ll show you the gifts I wrapped.  I really do enjoy wrapping gifts.  And the plus side is that one doesn’t even need to know what fondant is in order to do so!

 

 

So how was that post for being totally random ass?  Does it make your head hurt to try to follow my train of thought?  You should try being Me sometime.  I totally drive Self crazy!

Read Full Post »

Vintage Thingies Thursday – My Fridge

 

For this week’s Vintage Thingies Thursday, I am bringing you none other than … my fridge! 

 

Okay, not the whole fridge because that would be insane, just a tortilla, a jar of jalapeno slices (which I had to pry off the shelf with a screw driver to stage the picture), a box of baking soda of questionable origins, and a Tupperware with what I can only hope is lettuce.  I may never know though because I’m scared to open it.  Just kidding.  The tortilla isn’t vintage, it’s only 9 years old.

For my real vintage find, I bring you my baby blanket.  My mother made it for me when I was a baby (hence the phrase “my baby blanket”).  She embroidered the alphabet, one letter per square, and a flower at each corner.  Then she sashed it (is that the correct term?) and tied it.  Some of the seams on my poor blanket could stand the attention of a talented seamstress, but I still love it.  I don’t have any distinct memories of using it for some reason, but I do remember the curtains in my room matched it – they were orange gingham.

 

 

Thank you for checking out my blanket this week.  For more good stuff, come check out my pantry (did you know Easy Cheese could expire?  It tastes tangy after the date on the can).  Just kidding.  If you want the really good stuff, go see the Apron Queen at http://anapronaday.blogspot.com.

Read Full Post »

I am shamelessly going to steal Johnny Virgil’s idea.  (Well, maybe not shamelessly so much as shamefully because I really am ashamed of myself for doing this.  Especially since Johnny is so much funnier than I will ever be.)  If you want to read a funnier version of this, you should really check out his blog at http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com.  I wish I had some cool computer geeky friend who could tell me how to put the link there like all the cool kids do, by the way.  Lest I leave you in suspense for too much longer, I reckon I should tell you what the heck I am talking about (or I could just leave you in the dark like I do to poor Self all the time – she is constantly finding notes that say such things as “Self.  Cowboy them.  Jute.  Pink flamingo.  Rolodex” and wondering what the heck I’m trying to tell her).

Drum roll please…

…

…

I am going to share with you some of my recent favorite google searches that brought people to my blog.  It’s not an extensive list by any stretch of the imagination though.  I think it’s the coolest thing on earth that I can see what other people google.  Seriously.  I spend hours contemplating what the heck people must be thinking when they google this stuff (“stuff” being a fancy word that we writers use often to describe a random grouping of random crap).

BUTT SHAPED JELLO MOLD:  I’m pretty sure it was Martha Stewart who googled this one.  I heard she was planning a Cell Block D Reunion Soiree, so she obviously came to the expert on decorating for ideas (which I’m sure she’ll pass off as her own – that’s okay, I’m flattered).

CHEESE:  The 2 people who googled “cheese” are obviously google novices.  Obviously, you have to specify what about cheese it is that you would like to learn.  Do you need ideas on decorating for a bachelor party using only cheese?  Do you need cheese recipes for a wedding (incidentally, I’ve always found that Easy Cheese is a nice compliment to the Natural Light on any good wedding buffet)?  Did you cut the cheese and need to know how to get the smell out before your guests arrive?  Or perhaps you need a butt shaped cheese mold.  If you could be any more specific, I would certainly be glad to help you out (now I must add this aside so as not to end this sentence in a preposition).

ASSLESS CHAPS:  I get about 22 people a day wanting to learn about assless chaps.  They have the opposite issue of the cheese people – too much info.  All chaps are assless.  If they were assfull, they would be called pants.  Nonetheless, this seems to be my 2nd largest demographic (the 1st being people who think I can tell them what the US government doesn’t want them to know).  Anyway, the assless chaps people want to know where to buy them, how to make them, what to wear under them (dude, seriously, just get a pair of pants and forget the chaps – you obviously aren’t smart enough), if they will go with tube tops, if they must be dry cleaned, etc.

FASCINATING CLOCK:  This one I can totally understand.  I often get an overwhelming urge to look at fascinating clocks.  After all, they are so … fascinating  … and clockful!  I wonder which sites people go to when they want to look at boring clocks?  Probably the same site with the assfull chaps.

TEXT MESSAGE HUMOR:  You, my friend(s), have come to the right spot!  My blog is nothing if not full of text message humor!  Uh-oh.  PLOS!  PLOS!  PLOS!  PIR!  PIR!  PIR!  C U 2MRO!

ASSLESS CHAPS LINED IN FUR:  This one gets its own bullet.  For obvious reasons.  It’s an interesting thought though.  Yes, I would like my legs to be nice and toasty warm while my butt stays roughly the same temperature as inside my new Frigidaire.

FASCINATING CLOCKS SUCK:  This search was obviously entered by a very disturbed individual.  Probably the type of person who never comments on blog posts.  Or who googles things like “Comcast sucks”, “yellow pants suck”, “assless chaps suck”, “secret Bush Administration operatives suck”, and so on and so forth.  She certainly could never know the zen that one acquires from looking at fascinating clocks and is probably one of those people who watches boring TV shows where skinny girls eat cow testicles then throw them up over the sides of boats.  I’m sure she doesn’t watch cool shows like Corner Gas.

Celia Rivenbark, if you are reading this (and, let’s face it, you probably are because I am quite obviously your humor muse and inspiration), Belle Weather Mostly Sunny with a Chance of Scattered Hissy Fits is awesome!  It’s a rollicking good time adventure!  I mean, I’m only on page 67, but I’ve still laughed out loud (or LOL’d) on almost every page!  Great job.  And you know, since I gave you a free plug to all my millions of faithful readers, you might consider sending me a signed copy.  It’s what Martha Stewart would do.

Read Full Post »

Idiot Prosecutor Endorses Escort Fiasco!

Remain calm!  Please, everyone, remain calm.  It will do you no good to panic.  I do not want to create mass chaos and anarchy, but I must bring this to your attention.  It’s for your own good.  No one, not even the upper echelons of government workers in the prosecutor’s office, is immune to this hostile takeover of honkies.  That’s right, honkies have taken over Springfield, Missouri.  This was brought to my attention by a very concerned co-worker of mine.  Please, read the news release in its entirety and then I will give you sound advice on the best way to handle the situation and protect your families.

Man Attacks Prostitute’s Husband After Being Denied Refund

By Brad Belote

Story Created: Sep 2, 2008

Story Updated: Sep 3, 2008

A Springfield man is charged with first-degree assault after he told police he beat up the husband of a prostitute he had hired.

Anthony E. Mello, 27, told police he hired a prostitute Sunday. When he asked for some of his money back after receiving her services, she refused. Mello told police when he tried to take his money back, she called her husband, who was waiting downstairs in a vehicle.

The woman told police that when her husband entered the residence, Mello threw her husband to the floor and punched him in the face at least six times. The woman said Mello pulled her husband by the ankles down a flight of stairs. The woman said she saw her husband’s head hit each step on the way down.

Mello told police he was brought back to the scene by his parents. During an interview with police, Mello said he “blacked out” as the husband was pushing his way past him. Mello admitted to grabbing the man and dragging him down the steps.

Police say the husband suffered severe head trauma and severe bruising.

KSPR called the escort service phone number listed in the Springfield phone book.

A woman who answered the phone says the couple was trying to rip off the customer.

She says the company does not hire any women.

Instead she says the women pay the company a fee for referrals to clients.

The woman says they can not control everything that the women do.

She says the company does not encourage or require women to solicit money for sex.

Springfield police say the same unit that handles organized crime investigates prostitution complaints.

Officer Grant Story says, “We have done numerous stings in the past but we have not received a trend of complaints on these types of businesses.”

Police say if they do receive accurate information they would respond.

Greene County Prosecutor Darrell Moore says the serious assault raises questions about the legitimacy and nature of the escort business.

Moore says the business should be looked into.

 

My first reaction was anger.  Not anger that there is so much crime and violence in this world; but rather anger that Mr. Belote did not share why the heck Mr. and Mrs. Mello returned to the scene of the crime with their son.  What kind of crap is that?  You can’t just drop a juicy little tidbit like that and then not tell us the role they played!  Perhaps Mr. Belote should go back to journalism school.  He could have at least shared the conversation between Mello and parents.  It has got to be better than what I imagine.

Mello:  Mom?  Dad?  I need your help.  I paid an escort to be my friend and now she won’t return my money. 

Old Man Mello:  Did you try calling the escort service directly?

 Mello:  Of course, I did, Dad!  But they have been taken over by evil Bush Administration Operatives and moved to India so I got stuck in automated phone hell for 47 minutes until Akmed came on the line and told me that he would be glad to fill out a rebate appropriations form 1087 but then we were disconnected.  What will I do?!  I need that fifty bucks to buy cigarettes for my girlfriend!

 Mama Mello:  Why that little tramp!  How dare she cheat my sweet Anthony out of half his welfare check!  Doesn’t she know that some people need that money?  Natural Light doesn’t grow on trees, you know!  And the nerve of her!  Working on a Sunday!  Doesn’t she know Sunday is the Lord’s day?  Just let me get my purse and we’ll go with you to get your money back.Mello:  Thanks, Momma Mello.  And could you bring a roll of paper towels?  Her husband is bleeding all over the place.

Mama Mello:  Of course, sweetie.  Did you try to hide his body?

 Mello:  Yes, but he screamed every time his head thumped on a step (you would think his melon could have skipped a step or two for brevity’s sake) and I didn’t want to draw any attention to myself.  My arch-nemesis Officer Grant Story was across the street booting an illegally parked Volvo.

Which begs the next question, is this really the first time that Greene County Prosecutor Darrell Moore has called into question the legitimacy and nature of the escort business?  Seriously?  Does he think that hookers just advertise in the Yellow Pages as hookers and laws be damned!?  That the oldest professionals in the world haven’t learned a thing or two about a thing or two?

I hope that young women everywhere will take a lesson from this prostitute and marry a considerate man like she did.  How many husbands not only chauffer their wives to work, but also sit outside and wait while she types up her TPS reports?  Good men are hard to come by these days.

KSPR was quite clever in looking up the escort service in the phone book and calling them.  The escort service does not condone prostitution.  Well, thank goodness they cleared that up!  I was worried that the madame – I mean executive escort service director – would try to cover up her prostitution ring.  Thank you, KSPR for getting to the bottom of that for the good citizens of Springfield; they can rest easy tonight knowing you are on the job!  I only hope that this exposure will help other dis-satisfied customers of prostitutes come forward so the police will be able to respond in a reasonable manner.  Remember, men, do not lie.  If you want your money back, you must be totally upfront with the police so they will be able to investigate your accurate claim.

I can’t handle this kind of stress.  I need to go mod-podge a cupcake or something.

 

Read Full Post »

Vintage Thingies Thursdays – Shelby’s 1st Birthday.

Don’t you like how I end all my post titles with a period?  There’s just something about periods; they are a much better punctuation mark than, say, a superfluous apostrophe.  I think it really adds a touch of class to my blog!

Anyway, for this Thursday’s Vintage Thingie, I’m presenting … my daughter!  Sort of.  Actually, I’m presenting the decorations for her first birthday party.  First things first, here’s a picture of my beautiful one year old.  We had a small family gathering at our city lake last night.

I took several vintage Little Golden books and copied pages from them to make my decorations.  Here is a sampling of some of the books I used; not all of them, I actually used about a dozen.  I found them in various places and borrowed some from my dear mother.

 

The festivities started with these invitations that I made using an image from Charming Chattie.  The pink circle and “Celebrate” are mounted on pop dots and the “Celebrate” is from one of my Xyron Runner cartridges.

 

Here are some pictures from the party.  I made dinner plates and dessert plates by cutting my images into circles and mod-podging them onto the plates.  I put the napkins and silverware into tin buckets from Hobby Lobby – I mod-podged Little Golden images onto them also.  The cupcake toppers are also Little Golden images cut into smaller circles.  There were 3 bud vases showcasing Little Golden images.

 

Here are some close-ups of a couple of the dessert plates.

 

 

For more great vintage stuff, go visit the Apron Queen at http://anapronaday.blogspot.com.

Read Full Post »

Very important and deep thoughts. Very deep. Very thoughtful.

I was at Walgreen’s on Friday afternoon to get some contact lens solution because they had it on sale and I had a $2.00 coupon.  That never happens to me.  You know all those jingo moms who insist that they check the store ads and use coupons and get double coupons so they get $482 worth of groceries for a buck thirty two?  I’m not one of those women.  Yes, I know, it shocks my regular readers to learn that, but what can I do?  I’m lucky to get 25 cents off my $8.00 lens solution.

But I digress; I do that a lot.  Walgreen’s has this whole store arrangement thing figured out.  You have to go through the chocolate aisle to get from the Pamprin to the check out.  Gee, do you think someone is making a killing on that?

Anyway, I digressed again.  I walked through the Halloween candy aisle lured by the bright neon orange “sale” signs in front of the M&M’s.  I had to bypass the Halloween Peeps.  I’m really rather a Peeps Purist, if you will; the diversification of marshmallow Peeps broke my heart.  I love Peeps at Easter, but Halloween Peeps are just plumb wrong.  And they are not nearly as good.  Plus, it isn’t anywhere near as funny to see a ghost Peep expand in the microwave as it is to see a chick Peep become a mutant chicken Peep.  My wandering eye passed over the M&M’s (while my wandering hand put a bag in the cart) and the candy corn (again, my dang hands worked on their own initiative and threw a couple bags in my cart) — that’s when I saw them.  It was like the heavens opened up and angels were singing.  Cadbury Creme eggs now come in a Halloween variety!  It was the third or fourth best day of my life!  Cadbury eggs a whole 6 months early!

It was wonderful.  I meant to take a picture of them, but I ate them before I got a chance.  Hey!  Don’t judge me!  I’m a sucker for a Cadbury egg, even if it is in shiney orange foil packaging instead of blue.  I didn’t think it would be a big deal because you can find an image of anything in the world on the information superhighway (I once found a picture of a rubber duck with an electrical cord coming out of his butt – which is exactly what I was looking for, true story).  Apparently, I stumbled upon the one thing in this world that there is not an image of on the internet.  I did find this cool picture of some sick person who actually likes Halloween Peeps and who obviously doesn’t understand that Peeps were meant to be chicks.  That’s why they are called Peeps, for Pete’s sake!  If they were meant to be shaped like ghosts, they’d be called Boos.  And then think of all the confusion and chaos that would ensue when I sent my husband to pick me up some booze.

I’m all over this free association thing, huh?

On another very important note, Sarah Palin, if you are reading this, and let’s face it, we all know you are … I think I’m in love with you!  Don’t listen to those jerks in the main stream media, they’re stupid and out of touch with normal Americans like me.  American women who cling to our guns and religion and who love our children and husbands.  Palin Power!

Read Full Post »

Vintage Thingies Thursdays – Tools of My Trade

I was so happy about the number of people who checked out my Spoon last week on Vintage Thingie Thursday!  Thank you all for looking and for all your wonderful comments.

This week I chose some of the tools of my trade; which is designing concrete formwork systems for commercial buildings.

The first picture is of a shadow box I made.  For those who do not know me, I am a shadow box fanatic – I think they are a great way to display memorabilia.  This one features a vintage matchbook I found in my grandfather’s things that says, “Be a Civil Engineer: Train at Home.”  I backed it with reproduction blue line paper (from my local scrapbook store) and added a draftsman’s triangle.  In the background, you will see a couple of my vintage books.  The Foreman’s Handbook was printed in 1943 and is a First Edition, Fourth Impression.  It features chapters such as “Special Problems in Supervising Women” which offers insightful gems like:

In the matter of unsafe clothing, the foreman will immediately run into the tangled problem of womanly vanity; he would do best to sidestep it if he can…It is perhaps too much to expect most women to wear the ugly “safety shoe,” but the supervisor can insist upon stout, low-heeled oxfords and place a ban on all open-work shoes…Most of the reluctance toward wearing proper clothing will vanish if management will provide attractive lockers and rest rooms where the women can change comfortably into their street clothes; if they can do that they will not care greatly how unfeminine they look while working in the shop.

I will spare you the advice on how to deal with women who are going through menopause or who are otherwise hormonal and hysterical.

The other 2 books you see are The Steel Square, Volume II, published in 1918 (copyright 1903) and Audels Answers on Blue Print Reading, published in 1960 (copyright 1941).  Both of those books make for pretty dry reading for nerds and non-nerds alike.

My other treasures are even more personal to me.  One is a slide rule, circa early 1970’s that belonged to my dad and the other is my dad’s Bruening drafting set, also circa early 1970’s that he gave to me when I went to engineering school (or “ran off from home and got married” as he puts it every single day when I see him).  In the background is the original Post Versalog II Slide Rule Instructions that came with the slide rule.  It was published in 1970 and is not very exciting at all; though I do love the cover art.  The other 2 books are Foremanship I and Foremanship IV, both were published in 1921.  There is actually quite a lot of insight into human nature in these books.  However, I feel obliged to include an excerpt from the “Ways of Handling Men” chapter:

One time I had to handle a gang of toughs on a shovel job, who took kindness for weakness, and I was obliged to thrash the leader before we could be friends.  I had a hard time doing it, too.  During the war, one of my friends had been put in charge of a gange of Chinese laborers from Shanghai – wharf rats, with no moral instincts, the poorest specimens of humanity.  He was congratulated for having the best-disciplined gang in that section, but he informed me that he had three fights before he managed to whip his gang into shape.  On the other hand, I once saw an old army sergeant, who had been used to drilling recruits from the coal mines, try to handle a bunch of rookies from a college.  He had to quit.

Now, I’m the first to admit that I might be slightly lacking in people skills.  But even I am more subtle than to thrash my co-workers!

Thank you for looking at my treasures this week!  For more cool vintage thingies, head on over to http://anapronaday.blogspot.com.

 

Read Full Post »

Important Discoveries in Physics.

I believe that I have happened upon a law of nature that Sir Isaac Newton seems to have overlooked.  I call it Newton’s 4th Law.  And it’s the best law ever!  Newton’s 4th Law will forever get you out of housework.  The basic premise is that the mess in your home has to eventually reach critical mass.  You only own so much stuff and it will eventually all be out on the floor, piled on countertops, stashed behind the couch, etc.  It’s a naturally occurring limited reagent.  Therefore, once you reach that so-called critical mass, you know that it can’t get worse therefore, there is really no reason to worry about it.  Newton’s 4th Law, just like his 1st through 3rd, will set you free!

The only glitch is that you will eventually run out of dishes.  And underwear.  But I have that figured out too.  You can use paper plates (I don’t think that throwing out paper plates counts as housework); and eat Cup O’ Noodles on those days when you just have to have soup and a paper plate won’t work.  And who doesn’t like to get new underwear?  I was at the Catholic Charities Thrift Store yesterday and they had plenty of panties on sale for a quarter.  Shoot, for a quarter a day, I’d quit doing laundry!  That’s only about 91 bucks a year – you spend more than that on laundry detergent probably.

That’s why I adore Sir Isaac Newton; he was always so thorough in his thought processes.

There.  That epiphany should make up for the fact that my blog was very unhelpful to the hapless soul who googled “butt shaped Jello mold” and the dork who wants to know if she should wear a t-shirt under her tube top (I say she because I really don’t want to think that there is a man in this world who doesn’t already know the answer to that question or that there is a man somewhere actually wearing a tube top).

I was checking my email and it occurred to me that I might have a minor problem; perhaps brought on by doing too much housework.  I had sent myself an email with notes to Self (that’s me) about blog ideas.  Sounds fairly normal, right?  There were three replies.  Yes, that is right.  Not only did I email myself once, but I replied to myself 2 more times!

Read Full Post »