I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s because I’ve had a super-shitty day. Or perhaps I just have too much time on my hands to sit and stew on these things. Or maybe, heaven forbid, my husband is right and there is just nothing left to kill off the stupid people in this world so they just reproduce and reproduce and reproduce and just go out in public whenever they dang well please. Your IQ should have to be at least as high as any one contestant on “I Love New York.”
For instance, this guy’s parents should have had sense enough to change their dang last name! I guess we should be thankful that old Louis is a singer and not a doctor or something. Could you imagine that billboard? “DENTURES IN ONE DAY! ONLY $99. CALL DR. CRAPITTO AT 1-800-DOC-CRAP!”
I’d like to thank my alert mother for sending me that picture.
You know what is annoying me? People and their stupid cell phones. Now I won’t gripe at you for driving and yapping on the phone; I’m the worst offender in that department – but I’m a superior driver, so it’s okay for me to do it. I don’t care if you want to drive and talk on the phone, at least that way I can’t hear your stupid conversations. No. I am talking about the numb-skulls who insist on bringing their phones into every retail store they enter. You know the ones. They block the aisle and force all us normal people to wait until they finish their conversation and realize that behold! they are not the only ones in Ron’s Wheel, Tire, Stereo, and Grocery Supercenter and they should move out of the way!
I know what’s coming! Don’t do it! I know the first argument is, “But, I carry it with me in case my kids have an emergency!” Blah. If that’s the case, then you should only answer it if your kid is calling you! I have never once heard a conversation that went this way, “Oh my gosh! Apply pressure, call 911, and I’ll be there in 10 minutes!” Oh no. Every call I have ever overheard (it’s not eavesdropping because the same people who talk on their phones in the store are also the same ones who feel the need to shout into it), “And then after the PTA meeting, Jan told me that my skirt hem was too high! Can you imagine the nerve?! Why that hussy! I heard her special recipe cookies are really Pillsbury Break and Bake! What kind of Jingo mom makes break and bake cookies?! Which color lipstick should I get? Do you think Retro Rose will make me look old?” True story, I was once in Barnes and Noble one aisle over from a woman in her fifties who had her grown son on speakerphone and was shouting into the phone as they talked about what he did that day!
But those people don’t hold a candle to the ones who bring their cell phones into church. Now I realize that doctors are sometimes on call and need to have their pagers or cell phones with them. My question is: what’s up with the roofers who are bringing their phones into church? Why can’t they turn them on vibrate? Is there really a roofing emergency that can’t wait 45 minutes (30 if there’s a Chiefs game)? Or are they trying to impress someone? As if God is up in heaven saying, “Well, I had old Jim on the maybe list, but I never realized how important he was! He must really be somebody if no one can go without his advice for an hour! Peter, move him to the definitely list! Immediately!” Does it ever occur to these people that maybe, just maybe, the more likely scenario is that Mr. Important isn’t good enough to train his crew to be able to do any simple task without being told how to do it?
I’m on a roll now. What’s up with scoops on pick up trucks? I even saw one on a conversion van yesterday! What the heck? Is that supposed to make a freaking conversion van more aerodynamic? Kind of like a big old brick with wings? I don’t get that at all. Of course, I don’t understand the whole crappy 4-cylinder Escort with custom wheels and surround sound either. Maybe I’m just a nerd. It has 4 cylinders! Whoo-hoo! I’m so impressed! Forget that ’69 Road Runner with a 426 Hemi V-8; check out the Bond-o on that Ford Escort! Seriously.
Furthermore, putting chrome door handles on a mini-van does not make it cool. There is no way to make a mini-van look cool. It is a mini-van. That’s why they call it mini-van; it’s from the Greek root uncoolmobile. It’s a fact of life that everyone grows up and has to make concessions to family and age, but please, for the love of all that is purple, do not fall into the trap of thinking that mini-vans are cool! Next thing you know, you’ll be wearing black knee socks with your loafers and shorts!
Wow! I feel so much better! That was entirely therapeutic. I highly suggest starting your own blog for just this reason. I bet Sarah Palin gets it; she gets me. I think she should dump the old guy though and run for number 1.