Archive for September, 2008

I don’t know why.  Perhaps it’s because I’ve had a super-shitty day.  Or perhaps I just have too much time on my hands to sit and stew on these things.  Or maybe, heaven forbid, my husband is right and there is just nothing left to kill off the stupid people in this world so they just reproduce and reproduce and reproduce and just go out in public whenever they dang well please.  Your IQ should have to be at least as high as any one contestant on “I Love New York.”

For instance, this guy’s parents should have had sense enough to change their dang last name!  I guess we should be thankful that old Louis is a singer and not a doctor or something.  Could you imagine that billboard?  “DENTURES IN ONE DAY!  ONLY $99.  CALL DR. CRAPITTO AT 1-800-DOC-CRAP!”

 I’d like to thank my alert mother for sending me that picture.

You know what is annoying me?  People and their stupid cell phones.  Now I won’t gripe at you for driving and yapping on the phone; I’m the worst offender in that department – but I’m a superior driver, so it’s okay for me to do it.  I don’t care if you want to drive and talk on the phone, at least that way I can’t hear your stupid conversations.  No.  I am talking about the numb-skulls who insist on bringing their phones into every retail store they enter.  You know the ones.  They block the aisle and force all us normal people to wait until they finish their conversation and realize that behold! they are not the only ones in Ron’s Wheel, Tire, Stereo, and Grocery Supercenter and they should move out of the way! 

I know what’s coming!  Don’t do it!  I know the first argument is, “But, I carry it with me in case my kids have an emergency!”  Blah.  If that’s the case, then you should only answer it if your kid is calling you!  I have never once heard a conversation that went this way, “Oh my gosh!  Apply pressure, call 911, and I’ll be there in 10 minutes!”  Oh no.  Every call I have ever overheard (it’s not eavesdropping because the same people who talk on their phones in the store are also the same ones who feel the need to shout into it), “And then after the PTA meeting, Jan told me that my skirt hem was too high!  Can you imagine the nerve?!  Why that hussy!  I heard her special recipe cookies are really Pillsbury Break and Bake!  What kind of Jingo mom makes break and bake cookies?!  Which color lipstick should I get?  Do you think Retro Rose will make me look old?”  True story, I was once in Barnes and Noble one aisle over from a woman in her fifties who had her grown son on speakerphone and was shouting into the phone as they talked about what he did that day!

But those people don’t hold a candle to the ones who bring their cell phones into church.  Now I realize that doctors are sometimes on call and need to have their pagers or cell phones with them.  My question is: what’s up with the roofers who are bringing their phones into church?  Why can’t they turn them on vibrate?  Is there really a roofing emergency that can’t wait 45 minutes (30 if there’s a Chiefs game)?  Or are they trying to impress someone?  As if God is up in heaven saying, “Well, I had old Jim on the maybe list, but I never realized how important he was!  He must really be somebody if no one can go without his advice for an hour!  Peter, move him to the definitely list!  Immediately!”  Does it ever occur to these people that maybe, just maybe, the more likely scenario is that Mr. Important isn’t good enough to train his crew to be able to do any simple task without being told how to do it?

I’m on a roll now.  What’s up with scoops on pick up trucks?  I even saw one on a conversion van yesterday!  What the heck?  Is that supposed to make a freaking conversion van more aerodynamic?  Kind of like a big old brick with wings?  I don’t get that at all.  Of course, I don’t understand the whole crappy 4-cylinder Escort with custom wheels and surround sound either.  Maybe I’m just a nerd.  It has 4 cylinders!  Whoo-hoo!  I’m so impressed!  Forget that ’69 Road Runner with a 426 Hemi V-8; check out the Bond-o on that Ford Escort!  Seriously.

Furthermore, putting chrome door handles on a mini-van does not make it cool.  There is no way to make a mini-van look cool.  It is a mini-van.  That’s why they call it mini-van; it’s from the Greek root uncoolmobile.  It’s a fact of life that everyone grows up and has to make concessions to family and age, but please, for the love of all that is purple, do not fall into the trap of thinking that mini-vans are cool!  Next thing you know, you’ll be wearing black knee socks with your loafers and shorts!

Wow!  I feel so much better!  That was entirely therapeutic.  I highly suggest starting your own blog for just this reason.  I bet Sarah Palin gets it; she gets me.  I think she should dump the old guy though and run for number 1.


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On my last trip to Costco, I bought a case of organic toaster pastries (pop-tarts, for those of us in the know).  Why, you ask, would I buy such a thing?  It is because I have decided to become more socially aware.

Just kidding.  Got you though, didn’t I?

The real reason is that they were on sale super cheap and they did not say “diet” or “sugar free” or any ridiculous thing like that.  Turns out that the phrase “organic pop-tarts” roughly translates to “crappy cardboard tasting toaster pastries from hell.”  I got all Sandra Lee on them and doused them with Betty Crocker cake icing to fix them.  It wasn’t half bad.  At any rate, last night, I was cleaning out my closet and munching on my granola – I mean my organic toaster pastry when I bit down on something hard.  I can only assume it was a clod of dirt – which would go a long way toward explaining the flavor.  It broke my tooth.  Now I have to get a stupid implant because of the stupid organic pop tart.  And I don’t mean the fun kind of implant either.

Being all depressed about being a 29 year old woman who has to get a fake tooth, I called my husband and told him that we were having pizza for dinner tonight.  It’s not that I had to ask if he liked the idea – the man thinks pizza is the nectar of the gods and that the gods prefer the grease flavor on thin crust.  I just needed to know what flavor of nectar he wanted.  He told me that he wanted a “large meat galore.”  A what?!  “A large meat galore.”  I responded in the way any normal woman would, “Okay, a large meat lovers, my darling meat galore.” 

Turns out it’s embarrassing to be corrected by the pizza lady.  Apparently, Casey’s Pizza calls their meat lovers a meat galore.  Which is ironic since that is what I now call the hubby.

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I love being a redneck.  For instance, if you are a redneck, it is perfectly acceptable to use the phrase “stuff ‘n such.”  So it’s cool.

Anyway, I went out on my front deck this evening to stain my deck and came upon the coolest thing ever!  Our neighborhood has some sort of gnat infestation.  My personal opinion is that they are attracted by the sweet gum trees.  At any rate, they are particularly bad this year because we had such a mild summer.  So I found this spider web with about 1000 gnats in it.  Looks like he has lunch for the next few weeks!



And here’s another picture of the same web, but I was playing around with my camera settings and turned on the flash.  I like the effect (or is it affect?); well, whatever it is, I like it.

We celebrated my sisters’ birthdays this weekend and I was in charge of the cake.  I went on flickr.com and looked up “cake” hoping to get some ideas on how to decorate mine.  I browsed for hours and envisioned my square red velvet cake with beautiful white icing with gorgeous red flowers and butterflies fluttering across it.  I even bought a coordinating plate.

So I went to the Price Chopper and got the ingredients for my cake.  But, when I was standing in the cake mix aisle, I had a revelation.  I thought, “Self, do you even know what the heck fondant is?!  No, you do not.  So how the heck do you propose to make this mysterious fondant?”  Then I replied, “Don’t worry, we’ll get some frosting in a can and it’ll be all good.”  On a whim, I picked up some red icing to outline my cake with a beautiful border.

As it turns out, I not only don’t know how to make fondant, I’m not real clear on how to apply beautiful red borders either.  Here’s the final product.  Mmmmmm.  Appetizing.  Or not.  At least it tasted good.  In case you want to take baking advice from a woman who doesn’t know how to make fondant – I add a box of instant pudding and a cup of sour cream to the mix to make it taste richer and more scratch-like.


But lest you think I’m totally lacking in Marthabilities, I’ll show you the gifts I wrapped.  I really do enjoy wrapping gifts.  And the plus side is that one doesn’t even need to know what fondant is in order to do so!



So how was that post for being totally random ass?  Does it make your head hurt to try to follow my train of thought?  You should try being Me sometime.  I totally drive Self crazy!

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For this week’s Vintage Thingies Thursday, I am bringing you none other than … my fridge! 


Okay, not the whole fridge because that would be insane, just a tortilla, a jar of jalapeno slices (which I had to pry off the shelf with a screw driver to stage the picture), a box of baking soda of questionable origins, and a Tupperware with what I can only hope is lettuce.  I may never know though because I’m scared to open it.  Just kidding.  The tortilla isn’t vintage, it’s only 9 years old.

For my real vintage find, I bring you my baby blanket.  My mother made it for me when I was a baby (hence the phrase “my baby blanket”).  She embroidered the alphabet, one letter per square, and a flower at each corner.  Then she sashed it (is that the correct term?) and tied it.  Some of the seams on my poor blanket could stand the attention of a talented seamstress, but I still love it.  I don’t have any distinct memories of using it for some reason, but I do remember the curtains in my room matched it – they were orange gingham.



Thank you for checking out my blanket this week.  For more good stuff, come check out my pantry (did you know Easy Cheese could expire?  It tastes tangy after the date on the can).  Just kidding.  If you want the really good stuff, go see the Apron Queen at http://anapronaday.blogspot.com.

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I am shamelessly going to steal Johnny Virgil’s idea.  (Well, maybe not shamelessly so much as shamefully because I really am ashamed of myself for doing this.  Especially since Johnny is so much funnier than I will ever be.)  If you want to read a funnier version of this, you should really check out his blog at http://15minutelunch.blogspot.com.  I wish I had some cool computer geeky friend who could tell me how to put the link there like all the cool kids do, by the way.  Lest I leave you in suspense for too much longer, I reckon I should tell you what the heck I am talking about (or I could just leave you in the dark like I do to poor Self all the time – she is constantly finding notes that say such things as “Self.  Cowboy them.  Jute.  Pink flamingo.  Rolodex” and wondering what the heck I’m trying to tell her).

Drum roll please…

I am going to share with you some of my recent favorite google searches that brought people to my blog.  It’s not an extensive list by any stretch of the imagination though.  I think it’s the coolest thing on earth that I can see what other people google.  Seriously.  I spend hours contemplating what the heck people must be thinking when they google this stuff (“stuff” being a fancy word that we writers use often to describe a random grouping of random crap).

BUTT SHAPED JELLO MOLD:  I’m pretty sure it was Martha Stewart who googled this one.  I heard she was planning a Cell Block D Reunion Soiree, so she obviously came to the expert on decorating for ideas (which I’m sure she’ll pass off as her own – that’s okay, I’m flattered).

CHEESE:  The 2 people who googled “cheese” are obviously google novices.  Obviously, you have to specify what about cheese it is that you would like to learn.  Do you need ideas on decorating for a bachelor party using only cheese?  Do you need cheese recipes for a wedding (incidentally, I’ve always found that Easy Cheese is a nice compliment to the Natural Light on any good wedding buffet)?  Did you cut the cheese and need to know how to get the smell out before your guests arrive?  Or perhaps you need a butt shaped cheese mold.  If you could be any more specific, I would certainly be glad to help you out (now I must add this aside so as not to end this sentence in a preposition).

ASSLESS CHAPS:  I get about 22 people a day wanting to learn about assless chaps.  They have the opposite issue of the cheese people – too much info.  All chaps are assless.  If they were assfull, they would be called pants.  Nonetheless, this seems to be my 2nd largest demographic (the 1st being people who think I can tell them what the US government doesn’t want them to know).  Anyway, the assless chaps people want to know where to buy them, how to make them, what to wear under them (dude, seriously, just get a pair of pants and forget the chaps – you obviously aren’t smart enough), if they will go with tube tops, if they must be dry cleaned, etc.

FASCINATING CLOCK:  This one I can totally understand.  I often get an overwhelming urge to look at fascinating clocks.  After all, they are so … fascinating  … and clockful!  I wonder which sites people go to when they want to look at boring clocks?  Probably the same site with the assfull chaps.

TEXT MESSAGE HUMOR:  You, my friend(s), have come to the right spot!  My blog is nothing if not full of text message humor!  Uh-oh.  PLOS!  PLOS!  PLOS!  PIR!  PIR!  PIR!  C U 2MRO!

ASSLESS CHAPS LINED IN FUR:  This one gets its own bullet.  For obvious reasons.  It’s an interesting thought though.  Yes, I would like my legs to be nice and toasty warm while my butt stays roughly the same temperature as inside my new Frigidaire.

FASCINATING CLOCKS SUCK:  This search was obviously entered by a very disturbed individual.  Probably the type of person who never comments on blog posts.  Or who googles things like “Comcast sucks”, “yellow pants suck”, “assless chaps suck”, “secret Bush Administration operatives suck”, and so on and so forth.  She certainly could never know the zen that one acquires from looking at fascinating clocks and is probably one of those people who watches boring TV shows where skinny girls eat cow testicles then throw them up over the sides of boats.  I’m sure she doesn’t watch cool shows like Corner Gas.

Celia Rivenbark, if you are reading this (and, let’s face it, you probably are because I am quite obviously your humor muse and inspiration), Belle Weather Mostly Sunny with a Chance of Scattered Hissy Fits is awesome!  It’s a rollicking good time adventure!  I mean, I’m only on page 67, but I’ve still laughed out loud (or LOL’d) on almost every page!  Great job.  And you know, since I gave you a free plug to all my millions of faithful readers, you might consider sending me a signed copy.  It’s what Martha Stewart would do.

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Remain calm!  Please, everyone, remain calm.  It will do you no good to panic.  I do not want to create mass chaos and anarchy, but I must bring this to your attention.  It’s for your own good.  No one, not even the upper echelons of government workers in the prosecutor’s office, is immune to this hostile takeover of honkies.  That’s right, honkies have taken over Springfield, Missouri.  This was brought to my attention by a very concerned co-worker of mine.  Please, read the news release in its entirety and then I will give you sound advice on the best way to handle the situation and protect your families.

Man Attacks Prostitute’s Husband After Being Denied Refund

By Brad Belote

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Don’t you like how I end all my post titles with a period?  There’s just something about periods; they are a much better punctuation mark than, say, a superfluous apostrophe.  I think it really adds a touch of class to my blog!

Anyway, for this Thursday’s Vintage Thingie, I’m presenting … my daughter!  Sort of.  Actually, I’m presenting the decorations for her first birthday party.  First things first, here’s a picture of my beautiful one year old.  We had a small family gathering at our city lake last night.

I took several vintage Little Golden books and copied pages from them to make my decorations.  Here is a sampling of some of the books I used; not all of them, I actually used about a dozen.  I found them in various places and borrowed some from my dear mother.


The festivities started with these invitations that I made using an image from Charming Chattie.  The pink circle and “Celebrate” are mounted on pop dots and the “Celebrate” is from one of my Xyron Runner cartridges.


Here are some pictures from the party.  I made dinner plates and dessert plates by cutting my images into circles and mod-podging them onto the plates.  I put the napkins and silverware into tin buckets from Hobby Lobby – I mod-podged Little Golden images onto them also.  The cupcake toppers are also Little Golden images cut into smaller circles.  There were 3 bud vases showcasing Little Golden images.


Here are some close-ups of a couple of the dessert plates.



For more great vintage stuff, go visit the Apron Queen at http://anapronaday.blogspot.com.

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