How to Terrify Children This Christmas.

Are you looking for that last minute Christmas gift to terrify the children in your life?  Then have I got the game for you!  Well, I don’t, per se.  But Target, Wal-Mart and/or Toys R Us probably do.  DOCTOR DRILL ‘N FILL!

Now your children can have hours of fun pretending to drill cavities out of a bodyless man.  Then, once they’ve had their fill of that, they can yank all his teeth out!

“Darling, if you don’t brush your teeth, the Baby Jesus will cry and a kitten won’t get her wings.  Oh yeah, then we’ll fill your head with putty and let the dentist drill your teeth like so much cheap sheetrock!”

That should scare them straight.

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Deep Mysteries of the Unknown. Mostly Toilets.

I haven’t been feeling well – I’m trying to convince myself it’s allergies – so I stayed home from work today.  I thought I would use this time to do some productive work.  Namely, researching ideas for my next blog post.

My extensive research usually involves Googling phrases such as “mystery toilet.”  Why “mystery toilet”?  Because I’m reading Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up and there was an article in there about a guy in Texas whose toilet kept producing pens.  And, since Dave Barry was not making that up, I thought maybe the original article could be found on Google.

I don’t know if it’s there or not.  I got sidetracked by all the toilet forums out there.

I am completely shocked by the number of people who are mystified by their toilets.  I thought I was the only one.  In order to weed out the mundane, I changed my search to “mysterious toilet phenomenon.”

There are a surprisingly large number of people in this country (and also in Canada) who believe ghosts flush their toilets.  There are also several who think that others are flushing their toilets telekinetically by their friends.  (Quick!  Everyone who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand!)  I wish I had friends who could flush my toilet telekinetically.

Actually, I wish I could flush my friends’ toilets telekinetically.  Then I would tell them it was ghosts.

Or maybe aliens.

Yes, it’s true, I have worked very dilligently for you, my faithful readers, this morning.  It was all worth it though because I found this Porta-Potty Piggy Bank.

You can buy your very own here:  http://www.imprintitems.com/toys/banks-piggy-savings/8164-little-john.  You can even have your name printed on the door!

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In Which I Do Something Martha-ish In My Pantry.

I am about to show you the most personal and embarrassing thing I have ever shared online.  Ever. 

That is what my pantry looked like yesterday (and for several years leading up to yesterday).  I can’t believe I just posted that online.

Ack!  I did it again!  You have all just seen my deepest and darkest secret.  Okay, maybe not my darkest.  But certainly my most embarrassing.

I finally decided that something had to be done about that.  I have always liked the retro blue and red kitchen colors but have never felt comforable doing it in my own kitchen.  I’m more of a tan/red/dark blue kind of girl.  But in the pantry! … Well, I can always close it so no one else will ever see and never know that it doesn’t match the rest of my house.

There’s my after!  It took a quart of paint in this great color called “Sprinkler.”  I also discovered the best thing ever from Rust-Oleum.  It’s spray paint for plastic in Sunrise Red.  So great!  That way I was able to make my plastic organizer baskets and cookie jar lids all coordinate.  Of course now my driveway looks like I made some goat sacrifices in it last night.  Small price to pay for this made over pantry!

Wouldn’t it be great if that were the after picture?  I have another (much smaller) secret.  I left it like that all day just so I could take pictures of my new “magazine” pantry.

All good things must end though, and I was a little tired of leaping over the pile of stuff I had stacked on the floor when I emptied the pantry.  So here’s the real after pictures.

It doesn’t match the rest of the house … but I love knowing there’s a decorating surprise behind that door.  (The broom is hanging on the wall in the pantry now – you just can’t see it.  And I’m happy to report there is nothing hanging on the door now.

Just a reminder to check out my Etsy shop as I will be donating 75% of my sales in 2011 to my church’s mission trip to Haiti.  I have some mroe things to add this week – so check back often.  http://www.marybt.etsy.com

I’m linking up to Be Different Act Normal’s Saturday Show and Tell for the first time ever.  Check her out!

http://www.bedifferentactnormal.com

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Meet Me at the Fair!

I have been saving this picture since I took it at a local convenience store this past summer.  I don’t know why.  Maybe I was just waiting for the perfect time?  Or the perfect punchline?  I don’t know.

I do know one thing though.  I’m pretty sure Mennonites don’t need gas for their horses.  I’m also pretty sure they don’t drink.  Okay that was 2 things.  And I don’t really “know” them so much as I “suspect” them.  I really don’t understand this sign at all.

Wait just a cotton picking minute.  That’s not a Mennonite carriage.  That’s a Conestoga wagon.  Now it makes perfect sense!  Oh wait.  No it doesn’t.

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A Princess Party. Just Because It’s Monday.

Last night I had to go to Dollar General so I let my daughter pick out a mylar balloon.  This morning, she said, “Close your eyes.”  Then she put her hands over my eyes, took her hands away, said, “Happy Surprise Day!”  And gave me the balloon.  She did this several dozen times throughout the day.

Later on, my husband took her to the grocery store where they had a display cake that was a fairy princess castle.  She wanted that princess cake sooooo bad.  She even came home and told me about it.  Then she said she wanted a princess party.  Her birthday isn’t until September.  I thought, what the heck?  Let’s have a princess party just because it’s Monday!

I went back to the store to get some princess cupcakes but they didn’t have any.  So I just got the birthday cupcakes and made my own cupcake picks using my Cricut and some sequins.  Ordinarily, I would make the cupcakes myself but this was very last minute.

I went to Dollar General and got some princess party hats, napkins, and party favors (the things you blow and the paper rolls out – what are those called anyway?).

While Hurricane was taking her nap, I set the table with a purple tablecloth, my vintage appetizer plates and cups, and put out a flower arrangement I had made for Easter.

When she woke up, she went into the kitchen and saw her princess party and said, “Wow!  My own princess party!”  While I was making the spaghetti (princesses eat spaghetti, right?), she said, “Me love this party!  Thanks, Mom!”  Then she said, “You’re the best mom ever!”  Awwwww.  Just to hear that, I’d make a princess party every day!

Her dad was working and it was kind of short notice to invite any of her friends, so it was just the 2 of us.  That’s okay because I think she’s a pretty special dinner partner!

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Privacy on Facebook?

I rarely write about serious topics on this blog.  Mostly because there are a lot of bloggers who can write about serious subjects much more effectively than I can.  However, I have been noticing that there seems to be some sort of backlash against Facebook for violating the privacy of its users.

And I’m confused about that.

Isn’t that the point of Facebook?  Isn’t it supposed to be a way for you to keep up with friends and family?  If you add “friends” who aren’t really your “friends” and then post what color bra you are wearing, can you really say anyone violated your privacy?  No.  You are the one who put it out there.  It isn’t Facebook’s fault that you “friended” a bunch of voyeurs and then gave them for free what they would have to pay for elsewhere.

I guess what I’m saying is that, if you tell the world that you are enjoying a post-coital smoke, don’t be surprised when the world knows you just did the deed.

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Looking For a Good Read?

With all the Christmas festivities winding down, I’m in the mood to curl up with a good book.  So I thought I’d share the books I read in 2009 with my dear readers who might be looking for a good story.  You’ll notice that I liked pretty much every book I list here.  That’s because if I start a book and it’s really awful, I can usually put it down.  If I force myself.  Also I just had really good luck with books this year.

The Tenderness of Wolves by Stef Penney.  Okay, I read this one last year but I loved it and had to include it in this list!  It’s probably one of my all-time favorites.

If Mama Don’t Laugh, It Ain’t Funny by Lucy Adams.  I reviewed this one for Mama Lit and it was pretty dang cute.  Adams writes funny essays about her life with 4 kids.

Blackbird House by Alice Hoffman.  This follows the lives of the residents over a 200 +- year span.  I was intrigued and could not put it down.  I hated for it to end – she could have written another 200 pages and I’d be happy.

Dave Barry’s Book of Bad Songs by Dave Barry.  The usual hilariousness that is Dave Barry.

The Last Girls by Lee Smith.  I’m not sure I’d recommend this.  It was okay but certainly not Smith’s best work.

Mary – A Novel by Janis Cooke Newman.  This is historical fiction told from the point of view of Mary Todd Lincoln.  An excellent book.

Between, Georgia by Joshilyn Jackson.  A story about love.  Love of parents, children, friends, grandparents.  It was a really sweet story.

Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck.  Steinbeck is one of myfavorite authors.  This book didn’t disappoint.  I’m sure I’m one of the 4 people in this country who didn’t read it in high school though!

Lily’s Crossing by Patricia Reilly Giff.  This is technically a young adult book but it was still pretty sweet.  A little slow for me, but probably the right pace for a young lady.

Are You There, Vodka?  It’s Me, Chelsea by Chelsea Handler.  Funny, funny, funny.  But what else would you expect from Chelsea?

North and South by John Jakes.  The first in the trilogy.  I loved it and I have a crush on Orry Main.  This was my favorite one of the three.

The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime by Mark Haddon.  I have to confess this one sat on my shelf for a couple years before I read it because I thought it looked weird.  But it was really good!

Garage Sale America by Bruce Littlefield.  Littlefield writes about his garage saling adventures.  It sounds dull, but it was really interesting.  And it put me in a garage sale kind of mood!

Love and War by John Jakes.  This is the second in the North and South Trilogy.  Very good.

Soft Landing by Laurel Hermanson.  This was another one that I didn’t want to start, but once I did I was pleasantly surprised.

If Life Is A Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing In The Pits?  by Erma Bombeck.  This is probably my favorite Bombeck book.  Totally hilarious.

Fatherhood by Bill Cosby.  Hilarious.

Heaven and Hell by John Jakes.  This is the third in the North and South Trilogy.  Also good.

When You Look Like Your Passport Photo, It’s Time to Go Home by Erma Bombeck.  Very funny.

How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accents by Julia Alvarez.  I had a hard time getting into this one, but after the first few pages, I was hooked.  It starts in the present and works its way back to the past and I didn’t want it to end!

Gods In Alabama by Joshilyn Jackson.  A pretty good story.  It moved a little slow, but wasn’t bad at all.

Savannah: A Gift for Mr. Lincoln by John Jakes.  It was okay.  It was kind of unrealistic though.

Motherhood: The Second Oldest Profession by Erma Bombeck.  (I went through an Erma phase this year.)  Erma has a rare mix of sentimentality and hilariousness that really drew me in to this book.

Wyoming by Dana Fuller Ross.  Part of the Wagons West Series.  It’s fluff reading, but I like it.

Tortilla Flat by John Steinbeck.  Great book about friendship and its fragility.  The ending was melancholy though – as Steinbeck will tend to be.

The Professor’s House by Willa Cather.  Very dry and I never got the point of the story.  I wanted to shout, “Great story, Jeopardy contestant!”

Charleston by John Jakes.  Not bad but some of the conversations and stories are recycled from the North and South Trilogy.

Family – The Ties That Bind … And Gag! by Erma Bombeck.  hahahahaha.

The Glory Cloak by Patricia O’Brien.  A fictional account of the life of Louisa May Alcott as told through the eyes of a cousin.  Very interesting read.

The God of Animals by Aryn Kyle.  I couldn’t put this one down!

Walking Across Egypt by Clyde Edgerton.  If you’ve never read anything by Clyde, I highly recommend you do.  He’s very funny but in a subtle way.  His stories are ridiculous but never so ridiculous as to be implausible.

Aunt Erma’s Cope Book by Erma Bombeck.  I told you I went through an Erma phase!

1776 by David McCullough.  Excellent.  But not light reading by any stretch of the imagination.

You Can’t Drink All Day If You Don’t Start In The Morning by Celia Rivenbark.  Celia is a southern writer who is also a hoot!

The Thorn Birds by Colleen McCullough.  Very melancholy but also an excellent story.  I couldn’t put this one down either.

The Grass Is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank by Erma Bombeck.  See previous comments.

The Sands of Pride by William R. Trotter.  There were too many half-baked plot lines and then it just ended.  It was like Trotter just got tired of writing one day so he stopped.

The Bible Salesman by Clyde Edgerton.  Hilarious!  And sweet.

So there you have it.  Pick up any of these books and you probably won’t go wrong.  If you’d like more detail about the plots, just let me know!

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Life On The Moon?

Is there life on the moon?  Who knows.  There’s no better way to find out than to bomb the hell out of them though.

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Wal-Mart needs some standardization.  I specifically went to Wal-Mart today instead of Target even though I would prefer Target because I needed a couple things that Target doesn’t carry.  I know the Wal-Mart I usually go to carries that stuff.  But I went to a different Wal-Mart and they didn’t have it.  Grrrr.

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Turn off your freaking after-market fog lights!  You look like a douchebag and you make me see spots.

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I almost hit a deer this morning.  When I say “almost”, I’m talking “within inches”.  Usually, I can see them.  But this one jumped out from a wooded area.  When I first saw him bound out, I thought it was a person running out into the road (it was dark) and I screamed and hit the brakes.  Then the stupid anti-lock brakes kicked in and I couldn’t get stopped – the wet road didn’t help matters either.  Luckily, that was one fast deer.  I think I might have grazed his hooves.  But that could have been my imagination.

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I felt like an idiot for screaming.  But I really thought it was a person!  You’d scream too if you were about to hit a person at 50 miles per hour.

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Barack Obama actually told the truth today.  When he said he didn’t deserve the Nobel Peace Prize.  He can take heart though, most the recent recipients don’t deserve it.

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Did you know you can get a wedding cake made out of Jello?  Google it.

This one is from www.elegantaffairscaterers.com.  Her Jello wedding cakes start at $550.

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Random Stuff I Thought About Today.

You know how sometimes you get behind a truck driving down the road and there is a bottle of water or a can of coke on the bumper?  How is it that the water or coke can ride on that bumper for hundreds of miles and never spill, but if I put a glass of water on my flat and non-moving table, it gets spilled within 4 minutes?

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I think an Environmental Impact Study is required on all new construction jobs.  I did one and determined that, if there were a river full of nothing but endangered species, I could build a high rise on either side of that river, connect them with an 8 lane concrete bridge and still have less impact on the environment than my husband does when he makes a box of macaroni and cheese.

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I think my daughter’s head must be heavier than the whole rest of her body combined.  It doesn’t matter where she falls, how she falls, or how high up she falls from, her head always hits first.

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I had to grate my own cheese for dinner tonight because we were out of pre-grated cheese.  What did people do before you could buy your cheese already grated?  That was some seriously hard work.  I mean it wasn’t like giving birth or anything, but still, my arm is tired.

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I remember when we first got cable back in the 80’s.  The remote was connected to the box by a cord.  How come they don’t do that anymore?  Do you know how much time I’d save if I didn’t have to look for the remote every single time I wanted to watch television?

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My husband found a bottle of vinegar with hot peppers in it in his grandma’s basement and brought it home.  I haven’t tried them because they are dated “10-14-98” and I have an irrational fear of botulism.  He keeps commenting that the peppers taste funny.

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I took my daughter to the Louisburg Cider Mill and Pumpkin Patch today.  Do you know what that means to you?  It means you get to see some pictures!  Yay!  I have not doctored any of these.  I really do look that awesome!  I’m getting pretty good at self-portraiture, if I may say so myself.  I really like how it looks like the background of the pumpkin is black and white.  “Hard Shadows” are my dad’s pet peeve in photography – but I think sometimes they make for a more dramatic picture.  These aren’t award winning pictures or anything, but I like them.

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More Things In My Yard.

I found this moth on my back deck this afternoon.  To give you some size perspective, the post it is attached to is a 4×4.  I would guess that this thing’s wingspan is a full 4″ or very close to it.

Can you see in the 3rd picture how he has 2 sets of wings?  I know these aren’t artsy fartsy pictures of the bug, but to be quite honest with you, I didn’t relish the prospect of getting all that close to it.  I have never seen a moth anywhere near this big.  I’m going to send his picture to the Missouri Department of Conservation to see what they have to say. 

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