Who writes this stuff?!

Have you ever read the back of your lotion bottles?  I highly recommend it.  I mean it isn’t as entertaining as spying on my neighbors, but on a slow day (ie: when they are out of town), the lotion bottles can be very entertaining.  I think there must be some huge pool of out-of-work Harlequin Romance writers that the lotion industry calls on when it needs to manufacture a bottle.

Take this description from my Bath and Body Works Irresistible Apple Triple Moisture Body Cream (which smells nothing like Country Apple and they need to bring Country Apple back, in case the B&BW CEO is reading this):

Massage into skin, especially dry spots, and indulge your senses with our exclusive, alluring Irresistible Apple, a fruity floral scent inspired by both the innocence and sensuality of forbidden fruit.

Ummm … what the heck does that even mean?  And don’t they know that not all apples are forbidden, it was just the one?  And since when are apples sensuous anyway?

But lest you think it’s just the higher-end (okay, middle-end) companies who are employing the out-of-work romance writers, check out the description on my Suave Sandalwood and Cinnamon Body Lotion (For Sensual, Soft Skin):

This unique formula provides delicious moisturization, leaving your skin looking beautifully moisturized.  The sensual scent of sandalwood & cinnamon will leave your skin smelling soft and silky.

It’s unique alright.  What, exactly, does “silky” smell like anyway?  The bottle goes on:

To Use: Smooth lotion on hands and body every day.  Also try Suave Body Wash, Deodorant, and Hair Products.

Just how badly do these people think I stink?!

Was this an exciting post or what?  I’m considering a whole series on “Personal Hygiene Product Descriptions.”  I’m sure all my readers are waiting anxiously.

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Turkey Card.

First of all, what the heck happened to November?  I had all these Thanksgiving ideas to share!  I guess you’ll just have to print this out for next year.  Although, there’s still time to make this little card to attach to your hostess gifts.

This is so much easier than it looks!  I just glued ribbon scraps to the back of a bottle cap for feathers.  I used my circle punch to punch out brown cardstock for his face.  And then I drew on eyes.  The hardest part was cutting the triangle for his little beak!  I didn’t try googly eyes on this, but they’d probably look pretty cute!

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Easy Handmade Christmas Gifts – Photo Album

I have been hard at work making Christmas gifts to share with you!

This evening’s easy Christmas gift is an altered photo album.  Who doesn’t need a photo album?  Think: Mothers, Daughters, Grandmothers, Friends, Hair Dressers, Cleaning Ladies, UPS Delivery Drivers, pastors, the list could go on forever and ever.  Just adapt your design to your desired recipient.

This is one I made for a friend with 2 sons.

(It’s not wrinkly, that’s the glare of the plastic cover.)  I bought a 4×6 photo album at Target.  Get the kind with the paper design in the front which can be removed.  All I did was cut my background paper to the size of that already provided.  (Actually, I cut it just a smidge smaller because I knew I would be using dimensional embellishments so I wanted to be sure the new cover would fit in the album.  Then I just decorated the background paper.  I finished off the album with a piece of jute tied around the spine.  I think that little touch really brings the whole design together.

There you have it!  An easy boutique-quality Christmas gift that you can make yourself!

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The Family That Shaves Together … Is, Well, A Little Odd.

I clipped this coupon last summer but I felt I should wait before posting it because I didn’t want anyone to copy it off my blog and print it and try to swindle Proctor and Gamble and then get me sued by Proctor and Gamble.  Because I really don’t want to go to the clink again.

I just have one question.  What the heck is a “Family Systems Razor”?  And why do you need a system for your razor?  Okay, that was 2 questions.  Please tell me everyone in the family isn’t supposed to share a razor.  I refuse to shave my legs with the same implement that Meat Galore uses to get melted cheese out of his mustache.  And I’m pretty sure Meat Galore would refuse to remove the cheese from his mustache with a razor that comes in a pink package.

On a related note, have you been down the freaking razor aisle lately?!  Seriously, do we need 12,306,783 choices in razor?  I buy the scented ones, as I’ve mentioned before (https://marybt.wordpress.com/2009/02/02/a-product-every-woman-must-have/) but even that has gotten ridiculous because now there are 20 hundred scents and how am I supposed to know if I want to smell like Fruity Cabana Mango or Banana Monkey Sock?

Have you ever tried to make that decision with a 2 year old grabbing all the lipstick she can reach and screaming “MINE!” while running down the aisle like a maniac hopped up on Red Bull and crack?  Have you?! 

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Easy Christmas Gifts Part 1 – 2009 Edition. Purse Set.

I know, I know, I know.  It’s way too early for Christmas.  But those of us who make gifts usually need to start a little earlier than December 20.  Or at least I try to.

I present to you a “Purse Set”.

On the far left is an altered miniature composition book embellished with a brad and finished off with a ribbon.  In the middle towards the front is a wallet-sized photo album with a coordinating brad and ribbon.  One the right is a planner which can be picked up at Target, Michael’s, etc. for $1.00.  I just fitted a cover inside the plastic holder.  Then there is an altered Altoid tin with coordinating paper mod-podged on and a coordinating brad.   I made the Altoid tin a first aid kit and put some alcohol wipes and band-aids in it.  I also made a coordinating key fob.  For the key fob, I just circle punched the paper (2 pieces) and a piece of chipboard.  Then I mod-podged the coordinating paper to either side of the chipboard.  I finished by punching a hole and adding a key ring and piece of ribbon.

There you go!  An easy peasy coordinating gift set!

Check out my Etsy shop, Pink Pearls and Elephants.  There is a link to the right.  I’ve added several new items this week.

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Altered Canvas – Glitter Turkey.

My name is Mary and I have an addiction to glitter.  I glitter everything.  Gourds.  Pictures of strangers.  Mason jars.  Deer statues.  My pants.  Although to be fair, the glittery pants are more a result of spillage than intentional bedazzling.

So why not make a glittered turkey?  Isn’t he cute?

 

I free-handed all the paper piecing.  And used Martha Stewart glitter, of course!  He’s mounted on an 8×10 artist canvas.

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Checkered Dress Girl – November.

Remember my picture of the little girl in the checkered dress?  (https://marybt.wordpress.com/2009/10/14/edna-is-not-observant/)  It was suggested that I keep her around for all the various holidays.  She needs a name.

Here she is all ready for Thanksgiving!

I couldn’t figure out how to make a pilgrim hat, so I made her an Indian.  They were at the first Thanksgiving too!

On a side note, does it seem like Thanksgiving gets skipped?  I’ve had a really hard time finding Thanksgiving decorations.  There’s tons of Halloween and of course Christmas.  But Thanksgiving just isn’t the big money-maker that Halloween and Christmas are (I read once that Halloween is the 2nd biggest grossing “holiday” for retailers).  So the poor Pilgrims and their Native friends get forgotten.  Not by me.  I don’t put up Christmas decorations until at least December 10th.  I usually wait until the 15th.  Wow, that was a stream of conciousness paragraph, huh?

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