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Archive for December, 2011

I think I’ve mentioned before how I feel like I would have loved living in the 1950’s when everything was good for you and nothing would harm you.  Except the Russians and Sputnik, things like that.  But no American made product would ever bring you to any harm.

From 7-Up (and Coke Classic) for babies …

To beer to help nursing moms beat the baby blues and nourish their child with healthy nourishing essential hops …

Even Santa got in on the act.  Somehow, he drove that sleigh and landed on all those roofs without ever even having to take the cigarette out of his mouth.  And he never fell asleep and set anyone’s house on fire.  Look how jolly he looks! 

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Lucky for Santa, the manufacturers of Camel and Prince Albert had tobacco products for all your Christmas gift-giving needs.  A can of snuff for Grandma and a huge ass box of smokes for your honey.  (Nothin’ says lovin’ like a huge ass box of smokes.)

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Shoot.  It was even safe to buy your wife a vacuum cleaner for Christmas!  The world is a different place now and I’m pretty sure the World Health Organization and most consumer safety groups advise against that.

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You could even have a revolver in the house when you gave your wife such a gift and it was still safe!         

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And why not matching bb guns for the whole family?  You could shoot at each other and then Mom could vacuum up all the bb’s (made of lead, of course, because it’s good for you) with her brand new Hoover!

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Okay, so I can’t really say anything about the matching bb guns since I seriously considered matching his and hers NRA memberships for our anniversary, but was told that would be way too mushy; so I only bought one.

Merry Christmas!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Do you ever ask yourself, “Self, I really want to get my kid the worst gift in the world; what could it be?”

If not, then I can’t help you.  But if that’s the burning question you have, then I’m here for you, my friend.  And if you answered “Snuggie,” then you would be wrong.  Wrong, wrong, wrong.

When I first saw this, I thought it was one of those SNL skit commercials.  It’s not.  No, sadly for all humanity, it’s not.

When I first heard the description of “Doggie Doo Game”, the focus was on picking up the “doggie doo.”  I thought, “That’s disgusting.”  But then the description continued.  (NO, I am not making this up!)

Apparently, during play, the children feed some sort of dough to the dog.  The “winner” (admittedly, I’m taking liberties with the word “winner”) is the one who finally makes the dog poop.  He or she gets the dubious bragging rights as well as the poop shovel.

This is an actual excerpt from the actual website (still not making this up) www.doggiedooogame.com:

Around 15 years ago, toy inventors at Lund and Company Invention created a pooping dog game that made loud farting sounds as you squeezed the dog’s leash! Since most kids on the face of the earth find humor in all bodily functions, Lund was sure this pooping dog would be the next craze of the late 90’s. All they needed was to find the dog a master — a “toy industry expert” to adopt the concept and turn the dog into the next mega hit game!

Time after time, day after day, the game was reviewed and passed over by those so called experts who believed that it just wasn’t a “proper” fit for their company. After years of trying to find a taker, the pooping dog game was left in the dog house.

Seriously.  What kind of honky-ass-non-thinking-marshmallow-brain-so-called-experts would turn down this awesome concept?!  It was a crime, I tell you.  Luckily, Goliath came in and saved the day.  Thank you, Goliath.  And by “thank you,” I mean, “What the hell, Goliath?”

So if you want to be the one who ruins Christmas, then I highly suggest you rush right out and purchase the Doggie Doo Game.  Seriously, do it.

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Are you looking for that last minute Christmas gift to terrify the children in your life?  Then have I got the game for you!  Well, I don’t, per se.  But Target, Wal-Mart and/or Toys R Us probably do.  DOCTOR DRILL ‘N FILL!

Now your children can have hours of fun pretending to drill cavities out of a bodyless man.  Then, once they’ve had their fill of that, they can yank all his teeth out!

“Darling, if you don’t brush your teeth, the Baby Jesus will cry and a kitten won’t get her wings.  Oh yeah, then we’ll fill your head with putty and let the dentist drill your teeth like so much cheap sheetrock!”

That should scare them straight.

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I made yet another altered canvas.  Because I have a problem.  “Hi.  My name is Mary and I can’t stop putting crap on canvas.”

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