Tacky Tuesday – Hideous Button Pillow.

Today’s Tacky Tuesday is straight from Deliverance a thrift store in the Ozarks.  My mother bought it a couple weeks ago to salvage the buttons.  Words elude me.

But my mother also insists that I comment on the excellent workmanship.  And it is good.  Someone obviously put a lot of work into this.  It’s kind of too bad it ended up being donated.

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Best Name for a Storage Facility. Ever.

My alert friend Deanna (you’ll remember her from the now infamous “don’t eat tv antennas while pregnant” warning labels) sent me this picture.  It’s a storage facility that she and her family saw on a recent trip to Arkansas.

I think it is the best name for a storage facility ever!  And I was the one who wanted to open a “Save a Lot of Crap Storage”.

It’s the ultimate in truth-in-advertising.  And it kind of makes me miss Arkansas.  It’s one of my favorite places to vacation.  The landscape is gorgeous, the people are friendly, there’s good fishing, and it’s not overly-crowded.

Thanks for the picture, Deanna!

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Never Let A Toddler Drive.

For real.  You should not let your toddler drive.  Especially, according to this packaging, if he or she is under the influence of cold/allergy medicine.

Here is the picture to prove that these warnings are, indeed, on a children’s medicine box.

I have no idea what those smudges are.  I couldn’t get rid of them while I was taking the picture.  Probably ghost orbs or something.

Anyway, here are the warnings:

I like the warning about not using it to make your kid sleepy.  Yeah, because anyone who would drug a kid to make him or her sleepy is really going to read a warning label.  And Moby Dick’s a seal.

It was tough, but we managed to keep Shelby from drinking and operating the backhoe while she was on the stuff.  She was pretty perturbed though when we told her she wouldn’t be able to use the tower crane for a few days.

By the way, she had Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease (not to be confused with Hoof and Mouth Disease).  It’s a miserable virus and I wouldn’t wish it on an enemy.  But she’s pretty much all better now.

I’m about to do some shameless advertising … a local Etsy seller is trying to make her 1000th sale by the end of the summer.  She’s a very nice lady and I buy from her at my local farmers’ market.  Her candles are awesome!  I recently bought some lip balm from her also and I love it!  So if you need a wedding, birthday, or hostess gift or just something to brighten your day, then check her out at: AJ’s Country Cottage  http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5343490

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Walk of Shame. Or rather, Run of Shame.

I’m sure every mother has had to do the sprint of shame.  You know the one – you are chasing after your child through the store hollering “Stop!  Stop this instant!  1-2-3!” and your child is ignoring you while you get haughty glares from people with perfect children (or no children or no sense of humor) and hysterical laughter from the real mommies and daddies.  Then you have to walk up to the counter all embarrassed and red-faced and pay for your stuff while your child screams for the $6 glittery-light-up-bouncey-ball and you are wrestling with her and hissing, “No.  Now stop this instant.” and she continues to ignore you and try to wriggle out of your grasp.

I would like to know what marketing genius at Border’s decided to put the $6 glittery-light-up-bouncey-balls at eye level to a 21 month old.  The man (or woman) is seriously brilliant!  And his ploy worked like a charm.  (Well, it worked like a charm in the sense that it caught my child’s attention.  But it did not work like a charm to sell it to me.)  Shelby’s little eyes lit up, and before I could stop her, she had picked up a ball and hurled it across the store.  Of course the dang things bounce and roll like Flubber.

Shelby took off after her treasure giggling with unrestrained glee while I had to drop my books on the counter and take off after her in a dead sprint to the tune of knowing laughter from the cashier.  (How on earth can someone so short cover so much ground so quickly?)

She had been so good up to that point.  So good…

I hope that ever who decided to put those there has quadruplets and has to take them all to a store where some smart aleck puts the $6 glitter-light-up-bouncey-balls right at their eye levels.

Oh well, I guess all you can do is laugh.  You can’t take these things too seriously.  I know people who do.  You know them too: the mothers who tell you, “My child only eats fruits and healthy snacks!  In fact, he prefers them to cookies!”  Trust me, either the woman is lying or the kid is a weirdo.

Shelby will eat the fruits and vegetables I give her.  But I’m not gonna lie to you, if you give her the choice between brocolli and Cheetos, she’s going to take the Cheetos.

Here’s a picture that my mom took of my little angel last month.  She’s been sick all week.  It’s so sad!  She’s never had anything worse than a 24 hour sniffle before and it’s just so hard to watch her suffer.  And she’s so pitiful!  Right now she’s asleep on the couch curled up with her blanket; it’s enough to break your heart.

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The Ultimate Craft Failure – Marigold Perfume.

When I was in 4th or 5th grade, the girl across the street (whom I shall call SC because her name is recognizable and I haven’t seen her in years so I’m not sure if she’d appreciate being identified as a participant in this fiasco) and I decided we wanted to make perfume.  Why?  Well, that’s obvious.  I had about 4 zillion empty plastic film canisters and I needed something to put in them.  Duh.

The first thing we did was walk around my parents’ yard looking for something that smelled great.  Roses?  Nah.  Too pretty.  Grass?  Nah.  Too earthy.  Marigolds?  YES!  They were juuuuust right.  So we picked the marigolds and took them into the kitchen.  SC said (and I remember this statement as if it were yesterday), “The first ingredient in perfume is alcohol.”  Therefore our next task was to go to the bathroom to find some rubbing alcohol.  Only there wasn’t any.  There was, however, lemon scented nail polish remover.  We figured it would work.  Plus, it had the added bonus of a fresh lemon scent.

Our next plan of action was to extract the scent from the marigolds.  What better way to extract scent than by heating up our concoction?

Sooooo…we heated up one of my mother’s sauce pans and proceeded to pour the nail polish remover in it.  The whole bottle.

On an unrelated note, did you know that nail polish remover is very very flammable?  I would even go so far as to say “highly flammable”.  As you can imagine, the heated nail polish remover sprang up into a geyser-like shower and then fell back in the pan.

SC and I shrugged our shoulders then added the marigolds.  Ahhhh, the lovely scent of marigolds mixed with lemon nail polish remover.  We really should have marketed the stuff.

Looking back on it, perhaps this failure could be classified as a success of some sort.  After all, we managed to not burn down the house in our pursuit of olfactory greatness.

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Altered Altar Candle. And Erma Bombeck.

I know it will shock you all that I altered something.  Okay, the really shocking part is that is was an altar candle.  Our local Save-A-Lot has those saint altar candles for a dollar.  I took the Our Lady of Guadalupe sticker off and replaced it thusly:

I hope Our Lady of Guadalupe doesn’t get mad at me for it.  I got the nightgown pattern at an estate sale for 12.5 cents.  And I picked up the pom-poms at a thrift store for a dime.  Woo-hoo!  Totally worth getting struck by lightning for.  Here it is at a different angle.

Those of you in my mother’s and grandmother’s generation will probably not find this surprising, but I just discovered her, so bear with me.  Erma Bombeck is really really funny!  I just finished this book (I read it in a day):

I was totally cracking up!  I highly recommend it to anyone with kids especially.  Here’s an excerpt:

“…I read one psychologist’s theory that said, ‘Never strike a child in anger.’  When could I strike him?  When he is kissing me on my birthday?  When he is recuperating from measles?  Do I slap the Bible out of his hand on a Sunday?…”

I have read another of her books that was equally funny.  I’ll be scouring Bookmooch, thrift stores, and garage sales for more!

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Silhouette.

Aren’t you impressed that I can spell “silhouette”?  Admit it, you are.

I made this one the other night.  I had a picture of Shelby in silhouette.  I cut around her and then traced it onto white paper.  Then I enlarged it 300% and attached it to the black paper and cut around it and attached it to a pretty piece of paper with a subtle design.  For reference, the frame is 12×12.

I added the ribbon because the picture was an old one (before Shelby had hair) and it looked like a little boy.  I had been wanting to do one of these for awhile now; I’m really pleased with how it turned out.  Isn’t that the cutest cowlick in the world?

On a side note: do you know how hard it is to get a picture of a black piece of paper behind glass?  That’s why this is at a funny angle.  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, try it sometime.  I dare you.

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I am so disappointed … Oh yeah, and there’s Hens involved …

You might not know this about me, but my motto has always been, “Never miss a good testicle convention.”  And it looks like I missed this one.  What a disappointing day.

KMM (that’s “Karen, Mary’s Mom” for those of you not in the know) said that she had a ball.  But she’s kind of a nut.

Okay, I’m done.  Not really, but I won’t subject you all to any more.

The first year we were married, Meat’s grandma gave me a chick from one of her hens and chicks.  She pulled it out and told me all I’d have to do was stick it in the ground.  Well, that chick sat in my truck for a couple days.  I thought it was done for but I stick it in a pot anyway.  Seven years later, I have 4,006,452 of them!  I also have tons of little 2 inch terra cotta pots and saucers from our wedding reception.  So I did what anyone would do.  I had my kid color a couple pots and put a chick in each one.  Here’s an example of her work.

Have you ever wondered how one little hen could make all those chicks without a rooster in sight?

I found this little tea cup and saucer at a garage sale for a buck.  The saucer is 3 or 4 inches across.  I can’t remember where KMM found the spoon, but I remember that it set her back 10 cents.

I couldn’t figure out why that one was so droopy.  The mystery was solved when I got home today.  Shelby was walking around with the chick.  She likes to plant stuff, but she also likes to unplant stuff.

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Vintage Thingies Thursday – PG-13 Spoon and Fork.

Happy Thursday slash Wednesday, Everyone!  It’s time for Vintage Thingies Thursdays hosted by Colorado Lady at http://coloradolady.blogspot.com .  (Nope.  Still haven’t figured out the hotlink thing yet.)

Today I would like to share the spoon and fork that I picked up this winter at a thrift store.  I paid a dollar for the set.  I like them because the fork is all like, “Hey, Baby.  How you doin’?”  And the spoon is all like, “Well, I swan!”  Teehee.  My mom hated them until she noticed their expressions.

They reside in my kitchen now.  I suspect they might have adult relations after we all go to sleep at night.  Thus the eternal look of surprise on the spoon’s face.

On a side note, there are 3 birds residing in my garden.  They don’t seem bothered when I go out to weed (not that I do it too often or anything).  They just sit there very still.  Anyway, do any of my wonderful readers know what kind of bird they are?  I don’t own a bird guide (I really should get one) and I was unable to find a picture of them online.  I’m sure there’s a picture online somewhere, but all the guides I found required you to know what type of bird they were and then once you picked the type, you could find the species.  I live in West-Central Missouri if that helps.  Thanks a bunch!

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Green Warty Baby.

Here is another of my craptabulous creations.  In case you can’t tell, I was trying to make an altered Scrabble tile in order to make a pendant of it.  Please do not expect this to be funny.  There is nothing funny about failed decoupage and Diamond Glaze.  Nothing at all.

My first attempt involved a picture of my daughter.  Let me tell you, my daughter is gorgeous.  It’s just a fluke of the ink changing color and my poor Diamond Glaze skills that makes her appear all green and warty.

Here she is in real life.  No green-ness or warts at all!

So I decided I needed an image that was printed on regular cardstock and not photo paper.  And perhaps designed by someone possessing graphic artistry skills as I have none.  To that end, I bought a sheet of designs from Etsy.  That is when my second attempt at Diamond Glaze worked, but the picture curled up!  Gaah!

It was at that point that I decided I must have gotten crummy instructions.  And, no, I will not reveal the website that gave me crummy instructions.  Mostly because I deleted it and can’t remember it.  I proceeded to do much research and figured out what I did wrong.  I think.  I found another website that said you should Mod-Podge your image down (check) and then Mod-Podge over the top of it and let it dry before applying the Diamond Glaze.   Ooooooooh.  Why didn’t they say so?  I will be re-attempting this sometime in the near future because I love love love these pendants and have bought several from various Etsy sellers.

**This post will also appear on Craft Fail – see link at the right.**

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