Who is the patron saint of yard art, anyway?

I love yard art.  It’s probably definitely my favorite form of art.

But to have a successful yard of art, one must have a certain touch.  I mean you wouldn’t mix a pink flamingo and a giant bear statue.  It is just not done in polite society.

Here is a very good example of what does not work in yard art.

You could maybe make the case for the saint and the goose.  But the cat just screams overkill.

Or it would if the tableau were not flanked by these two signs…

One could make an argument for the angel and the Communion and even the goose, perhaps.  But what’s with the gourmet meal now?  Did the decorator see a squirrel and forget what he was doing?

Did I mention this was a church?

In conclusion, I think we have all learned a very important lesson here today.  And that is that cats are delicious.

Oh wait.  I mean the important lesson is never let the drunk guy decorate your church.  And never ever ever abuse yard art.

 

Glittered Shoes

It’s hard to know how to begin a new post after such a long break.  I thought about apologizing for abandoning all my faithful readers … but that seemed a little … not humble.  I mean, who am I to think that my absence would inconvenience anyone?  Right?  So we won’t go that route …

Then I thought I’d tell you about my recent trip … but that might be kind of boring.

So I think I will tell you about the day I ran out of things to glitter.  It was a dark day indeed.

Of course, darkness only prevails if you let it.  So I did what any normal person with crafters’ block would do … no, I did not go to Wal-Mart.  When has that ever helped anyone?  Did I run around town waving my arms and screaming?  No, I did not.  Did I call Dr. Phil and ask for his advice?  Well, I did try that.  But, when that didn’t work,  I went to Etsy and did a search for “glitter.”  (On another note, “squirrel” and “bacon” searches always yield entertaining results.  “Michingan”?  Not so much.)

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah.  Etsy.  I searched for glitter and found someone who had glittered the soles of shoes (not to be confused with “souls of shoes” because, obviously, shoes don’t have souls – that we know of).

Having an inflated sense of my own abilities, I thought, “Self, you could totally do that!”

So I did.

Here is the “before” picture of my incredibly uncomfortable shoes (the incredibly uncomfortable part has nothing to do with the glitter).

And it wasn’t really a “before” picture so much as a “front” picture so you could see they were just normal every day shoes.

Here’s the glitter part.  I think it looks pretty cool.

All I did was use a paint brush to apply glitter to the bottom of the shoe – don’t apply it to the parts that will come in contact with the ground – and the inside of the heel.  Then just sprinkled fine glitter on them.  A word of warning, I first tried this with some velvet-y pumps and the glitter sticks to the velvet pretty bad.  It will come off with work, but it’s a pain in the neck.

There you go – one more thing for you to glitter!

File Under: You Might Be A Redneck.

You might be a redneck if you are the inspiration for this sign. 

 

This picture has not been altered.  It is an actual sign at the entrance to the cemetery where my brother in law is buried.

How many quarts are in a quartet?

Well, apparently, if you live in Texas, there are 7 quarts in a quartet.  You know, because everything is bigger in Texas; even quartets.

It reminds me of the old childhood riddle: What happens when you put a quartet on steroids?

Deep Mysteries of the Unknown. Mostly Toilets.

I haven’t been feeling well – I’m trying to convince myself it’s allergies – so I stayed home from work today.  I thought I would use this time to do some productive work.  Namely, researching ideas for my next blog post.

My extensive research usually involves Googling phrases such as “mystery toilet.”  Why “mystery toilet”?  Because I’m reading Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up and there was an article in there about a guy in Texas whose toilet kept producing pens.  And, since Dave Barry was not making that up, I thought maybe the original article could be found on Google.

I don’t know if it’s there or not.  I got sidetracked by all the toilet forums out there.

I am completely shocked by the number of people who are mystified by their toilets.  I thought I was the only one.  In order to weed out the mundane, I changed my search to “mysterious toilet phenomenon.”

There are a surprisingly large number of people in this country (and also in Canada) who believe ghosts flush their toilets.  There are also several who think that others are flushing their toilets telekinetically by their friends.  (Quick!  Everyone who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand!)  I wish I had friends who could flush my toilet telekinetically.

Actually, I wish I could flush my friends’ toilets telekinetically.  Then I would tell them it was ghosts.

Or maybe aliens.

Yes, it’s true, I have worked very dilligently for you, my faithful readers, this morning.  It was all worth it though because I found this Porta-Potty Piggy Bank.

You can buy your very own here:  http://www.imprintitems.com/toys/banks-piggy-savings/8164-little-john.  You can even have your name printed on the door!

Craft Fail That Is Surprisingly Appropriate.

I saw this wreath over at Jaihart.

http://jaihartjustlovelydesigns.blogspot.com/2011/03/spring-wreath.html

I thought it was really cute and wanted to steal the idea.  But I’m on a craft supply diet.  (Meaning not that I am eating nothing but craft supplies, but rather that I’m trying to use my stash up a little before buying more.  Although, eating them would be a good way to do that…)

Which explains why I thought it would be appropriate to use white fun fur instead of green.

And a cone shape instead of a circle.

Because everyone knows that butterflies are always flocking to snow covered trees.  I see it all the time.

But then I sometimes overindulge in wine.

You might be wondering in what way this is “appropriate” as my title suggests … Well, I’ll tell you.  I live in Missouri.  Last weekend it was almost 80 degrees.  Yesterday we got freezing rain and snow.  Spring meets Winter.  Just like my cone shaped wreath.

I was inadvertantly all symbolic and stuff.  I’m awesome like that.

For the Love of PEEPS.

It’s that time of year again.  The time when we celebrate the most sacred of Christian holidays by covering bird shaped marshmallows with yellow sugar.  (No, I do not count any other holiday theme, color, shape, etc. as a real Peep.)

Did you know that Peeps have their own website?  They do.  It’s www.marshmallowpeeps.com.

And, as I was infinitely curious about what could be said about this delectable manna from Heaven, I decided to visit that website.

They have recipes.

Lots and lots of recipes.

I was drooling over all the Peeps recipes.  Like this one:

Isn’t that the cutest thing you ever saw?  It’s called Blue Raspberry Sparkle.  Really, there could be nothing better than Peeps and Jello.  In fact, my motto has always been, “There’s nothing that can’t be improved upon by adding Peeps and/or Jello.”  True story.

But then I found this little gem.

It’s called Peeps Yum Yum Platter.  Or as I like to call it … Attack of the Homicidal Bunnies.

Now I suppose it is meant to resemble Sushi.  But you know what immediately sprang to my mind?  The old Bugs Bunny cartoons where one of them gets tied to the railroad tracks as the train is coming.  I just keep waiting for a train whistle.

I mean sushi is bad enough.  But there’s something completely wrong about homicidal bunny marshmallows.  It would be like if Santa Claus showed up to your house with a machete.

I Fought The Law Embroidery.

I had this song stuck in my head the other day.  And was in the mood to stitch handcuffs.  (You’ve been in that mood before, don’t deny it.)  So here it is.

I mounted this on an artist’s canvas.  I put a piece of batting between the canvas and the stitching.  The batting isn’t necessary, my mother doesn’t do it.  But her knots are nicer than mine and she doesn’t need it.  To give it a more polished look, I glued grosgrain ribbon around the edge.

I never thought I’d be giving embroidery instructions because I’m not exactly an expert.  But I’ve been noticing in blogland that some people transfer patterns the really really really hard way. You can trace your pattern over a light board (or do it in various other even harder ways), but I prefer to scan it in to my computer and then click on “mirror image” in the print options.  Then you can trace over your design and just iron it right on to your fabric.  For this particular project, I typed the phrase out in a word document and printed it as a mirror image.

Just thought I’d share that tidbit for anyone who doesn’t know.

Remember, in 2011 I will be donating 75% of my Etsy sales to my church’s mission trip to Haiti.  Please check it out at http://www.marybt.etsy.com.  I will be adding some new things this week that I’m really excited about.

I am linking up over to http://www.bedifferentactnormal.com .  Go check it out – you will find some really great links!

Sometimes My To Do List Mystifies Me.

This may surprise you, but I’m a thinker.  Okay, maybe that statement was playing fast and loose with the word “thinker.”  But I do often have several thoughts clanking around inside my head at any given time.  The problem is that I’m very susceptible to losing a thought if another thought pops into my head.  Or if a possum happens by.

That’s why I developed a habit of writing notes to myself.  I used to send emails but I got freaked out by that one day when I checked my email and noticed that I had not only sent myself an email, but I had also replied to myself.

Twelve times.

I also keep an ongoing To Do List on my computer.  Except I call it “Today’s Goals” because that sounds much more positive and upbeat.  I used to call it “Crap I Should Probably Do” but decided that was not very positive or upbeat.

On my “Today’s Goals” page, I also have several text boxes with random thoughts.  One of them must be ideas for a blog post because this is what it says (verbatim, I am not making this up; in fact, I don’t think I could make this up):

lots of Jello/aspic
wine monkey gift wrap
what can I use glitter for
can we colorate the pasta
how to make hot dogs curl
how to make assless chaps
several variations on “tacky” something or other
       -Jesus
         -blanket
       -glitter

Judging by the seemingly incoherent list, I would say it’s a list of google searches that have recently brought people to my blog.  But, really, whose mind doesn’t jump from tacky glitter Jesus blankets to aspic on a regular basis?

Easter Egg Button Art

*This post is dedicated to my blog friend Patty over at Pip Stitch (http://pipstitch.blogspot.com) because she shares my incredible love of buttons.

I’ve been seeing button art popping up all over the place lately.  I dragged my heels on trying it because it looked like it would be a pain in the neck.  But it really wasn’t.  Here is my pink and purple button art.

I didn’t spend a lot of time laying out each and every button.  I laid out some big ones to make sure I had enough.  Then it was just a matter of gluing them all down.

This is a 5×7 canvas.  I used my Cricut to cut a 5″ egg (because I cannot draw), I traced around the template onto the canvas and then just started gluing buttons!  I started with large buttons and then used smaller ones to fill in.  I finished off the piece by gluing some grosgrain ribbon around the edge.  Because I love grosgrain – especially since I learned the proper way to pronounce it!

I also did one in green and pink.  With green grosgrain ribbon to finish it off.

I am sharing this post over at http://www.bedifferentactnormal.com – go check out Show and Tell Saturdays, I promise you will find some great stuff.

 Please check out my Etsy shop at http://www.marybt.etsy.com as I will be donating 75% of my proceeds in 2011 to my church’s mission trip to Haiti.