Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Weird Evangelism.

I found this book in the coat closet at church.  Which, in itself, is a little weird since I can’t imagine a single one of my fellow United Methodist congregants passing out religious tracts …

I was struck by the cover.  I mean the homeless guy is obviously losing hope in the young boy’s Jesus-Tract-Passer-Outer skills.

So I flipped it open and the first page I came to was this …

Which is actually an excellent suggestion.  If the question is, “How can I get my ass arrested by Homeland Security?”

(No, this wasn’t published in 1954.  It was published in 1986, for your information.)

Considering the dog problem in my neighborhood, I thought this one was particularly fitting …

I would actually hang a hundred booklets from the dog’s collar if I thought it would make people quit letting their dogs run loose.  And quit barking.  “Oh look, honey!  Rover brought us a tract!  It must be a sign from above to quit letting him bark day and night for hours on end every single day!  I have seen the error of my ways!  Hallelujah!”

I’m almost certain that it would not occur to the dog to scratch it out and eat it because, if there’s one thing I know about dogs, it’s that they would never ever eat a foreign object!

And the next one answers the age-old question of, “How can I passive aggressively share the love of Jesus while still condoning theft?”

That’s right.  If your fingers don’t touch it, then you technically didn’t distribute it.  You just pointed it out.  Am I right?

This one is actually an excellent idea.  Especially since my child can’t even ride the 3 minutes it takes to get across town without asking me 12 times if we’re there yet.  Tracts as baby-sitters!

And my all-time favorite … drum roll please …

Let’s “bait” the trash collector like he’s a hungry rabid squirrel!  Because, obviously, he has time to stop and read every piece of paper he picks up along the way!

Illustrations that get honorable mention … Or 2 answers to the question, “What is the easiest way to get arrested for littering?”

The book is great for one thing besides being a how-to on getting arrested …

The pictures would make whimsical Christmas cards to send from the clink!

Google Eye Specimen Art.

I will admit that I am probably playing fast and loose with the word “art” here.  But specimen art is all the rage now and I just had to join in. 

I used an artist canvas about 3 inches square and I spray painted it with purple spray paint then glitter paint. 

Then I just tacky glued my google eyes on and put a ribbon around the edge to finish it off.

I know you’re jealous!

Bat Silhouette.

I’ll just get right down to it because I see no way to be more descriptive of this than “bat silhouette.”

I got the 4×6 frame at Dollar General (I usually have a stash of them because they look fairly nice and only cost 2 bucks) and took the glass out.

Then I cut my background paper to size and cut out a bat silhouette.  I got the template from MarthaStewart.com.  You should really check it out – she has hundreds of Halloween silhouettes.

I finished my bat off by outlining him with silver Stickles.

As far as Halloween crafts and decor, I don’t see how you can get easier or cheaper than that!

(I’m not going to insult your intelligence by posting a tutorial picture of my scissors, glue, paper, and Stickles.  You are welcome.)

 

I love yard art.  It’s probably definitely my favorite form of art.

But to have a successful yard of art, one must have a certain touch.  I mean you wouldn’t mix a pink flamingo and a giant bear statue.  It is just not done in polite society.

Here is a very good example of what does not work in yard art.

You could maybe make the case for the saint and the goose.  But the cat just screams overkill.

Or it would if the tableau were not flanked by these two signs…

One could make an argument for the angel and the Communion and even the goose, perhaps.  But what’s with the gourmet meal now?  Did the decorator see a squirrel and forget what he was doing?

Did I mention this was a church?

In conclusion, I think we have all learned a very important lesson here today.  And that is that cats are delicious.

Oh wait.  I mean the important lesson is never let the drunk guy decorate your church.  And never ever ever abuse yard art.

 

Glittered Shoes

It’s hard to know how to begin a new post after such a long break.  I thought about apologizing for abandoning all my faithful readers … but that seemed a little … not humble.  I mean, who am I to think that my absence would inconvenience anyone?  Right?  So we won’t go that route …

Then I thought I’d tell you about my recent trip … but that might be kind of boring.

So I think I will tell you about the day I ran out of things to glitter.  It was a dark day indeed.

Of course, darkness only prevails if you let it.  So I did what any normal person with crafters’ block would do … no, I did not go to Wal-Mart.  When has that ever helped anyone?  Did I run around town waving my arms and screaming?  No, I did not.  Did I call Dr. Phil and ask for his advice?  Well, I did try that.  But, when that didn’t work,  I went to Etsy and did a search for “glitter.”  (On another note, “squirrel” and “bacon” searches always yield entertaining results.  “Michingan”?  Not so much.)

Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah.  Etsy.  I searched for glitter and found someone who had glittered the soles of shoes (not to be confused with “souls of shoes” because, obviously, shoes don’t have souls – that we know of).

Having an inflated sense of my own abilities, I thought, “Self, you could totally do that!”

So I did.

Here is the “before” picture of my incredibly uncomfortable shoes (the incredibly uncomfortable part has nothing to do with the glitter).

And it wasn’t really a “before” picture so much as a “front” picture so you could see they were just normal every day shoes.

Here’s the glitter part.  I think it looks pretty cool.

All I did was use a paint brush to apply glitter to the bottom of the shoe – don’t apply it to the parts that will come in contact with the ground – and the inside of the heel.  Then just sprinkled fine glitter on them.  A word of warning, I first tried this with some velvet-y pumps and the glitter sticks to the velvet pretty bad.  It will come off with work, but it’s a pain in the neck.

There you go – one more thing for you to glitter!

You might be a redneck if you are the inspiration for this sign. 

 

This picture has not been altered.  It is an actual sign at the entrance to the cemetery where my brother in law is buried.

Well, apparently, if you live in Texas, there are 7 quarts in a quartet.  You know, because everything is bigger in Texas; even quartets.

It reminds me of the old childhood riddle: What happens when you put a quartet on steroids?

%d bloggers like this: