Craft Fail – Martha’s Bath Balls

I found an awesome project on Martha Stewarts website.  (http://www.marthastewart.com/article/natural-beauties-bath-snowballs)  In case you don’t feel like following that link, here is what they were supposed to look like.

Here is what mine looked like.

However, I am ever the optimist; my friends call me Pollyanna.  Okay.  That wasn’t true.  No one has ever called me Pollyanna and I’m rarely optimistic.  But I did have a rare moment of optimism when I thought I could “fix” this.  After all, I did get the precise color of blue correct.  So I thought to myself, “Self, you can just break those up, add some essential oil and have plain old bath salts.

Well, what Self forgot was that Martha’s instructions said to let these things dry for a couple days.  I let mine dry for 2 weeks because after 2 days they certainly weren’t holding their shape.  Then they sat in that vase on my counter for another 2 weeks before I got around to taking their picture.  That stuff was cemented in the vase and I could not get it out!

I eventually had to just run hot water over the salts until they dissolved (there was no way in heck I was going to sacrifice one of my favorite vases for these stupid Martha balls!)

Vintage Creepy Doll Wrapping Paper.

First I should tell you that I am not making this up.  I am not.  I posted the blog entry about creepy dolls and my dad’s naked mannequin on Wednesday night.  The very next day (which was yesterday), I stopped at a garage sale on my way home from work.  It was a very awesome garage sale.  The people were clearing out their grandma’s estate and Grandma had lots of stuff.  What made it even better was that the sellers were in the business to get rid of lots of stuff.  So I made out like a bandit.

However, that’s not the interesting part of this story.  In the corner of the garage was a humongous box full of vintage pictures, posters, ads, magazines, etc.  Most of it was doll-related.  There were several packages of this wrapping paper.

Each package had a pink sheet and a blue sheet.  However, I don’t think those pictures can give you the full horrific effect.  So I took close-ups.

And, yes, I did buy this package of wrapping paper.  See the sacrifices I make for my faithful readers?  Okay, the truth is that I’m going to use it to wrap my sisters’ birthday gifts.  I personally would be scared as hell if I got a package wrapped up in this.  But I don’t believe in the whole “do unto others” thing when it comes to my dear sisters.  [Insert mean sister laugh here.]

I know that many of you are wondering why I didn’t save this for Tacky Tuesday – well, I have another very special surprise from that sale for Tacky Tuesday.

Creepy Dolls.

Everyone has a creepy doll story.  I mean everyone.  And, to be honest, can you blame us all?  There’s something about some of these dolls that just makes you think they are going to jump up in the night and strangle you.

This little Satanic Puppy Killing Boy Child looks like he could be perfectly capable of that:

Those eyes are totally deranged.  He should come with a warning label “Don’t Leave in Child’s Bedroom.”

And what girl wouldn’t like a ghostly apparition frozen in perpetual terror?

Since I am the whitest woman in America, I don’t think I’m allowed to say too much about this one.  So I’ll just let her speak for herself.

Okay, I can’t help it.  “Come hither, my pretty.  Cackle cackle cackle.”

And this one is just flat out spooky.

However, as disturbing as those all are, they cannot compare to what I stumbled upon in my dad’s garage this week.  Warning: while the following is in no way gory, it may be disturbing to some viewers.

 

He’s quite proud of that 1851 Colt revolver.  At least this mannequin has arms.  The last one didn’t.  She was a former Virgin Mary model for the Nativity at church, but her arms mysteriously disappeared.  Anyway Gussie (that’s what I call this Pistol Packin’ Mama) scares the hell out of everyone in the family.  My daughter spied her and ran away screaming in sheer unmitigated terror.  My 23 year old sister nearly refuses to go out to the garage.  Personally, I think she should become the masthead for his boat.

My point is, that all you people talking about how your grandmothers’ doll collections freaked you out as a child should walk a mile in my shoes.  I’d tell you to walk a mile in Gussie’s shoes, but she doesn’t have any.  I don’t know what would worry me more; if he continued to leave her naked except for the revolver, or if he started dressing her up in frilly Victorian dresses …

Eye Candy.

I was browsing around blogs last night and I noticed that many of them have eye candy and that I don’t really have much.  I don’t know why – I have taken plenty of nice pictures.  So I thought I’d share a few here and there.

This first one is my husband.  In 2005, we bought a semi-truck for him to use as a service truck in his profession as a mobile diesel mechanic.  He built the service bed from scratch.  I got this picture of him welding on the truck only because he had no idea I was taking his picture – otherwise it would not have happened!  Luckily, it did because I won the Best of Show for it at our county fair in 2005.  It remains one of my very favorite pictures.  And I have yet to win another ribbon.

This next is another that I am considering entering into the fair this year.  It has advanced to Round 3 of my personal contest.  I wish I could enter more than one photograph!  I took this at the St. Louis Zoo last November.

I feel kind of like an egomaniac putting a watermark on them.  But I am an egomaniac and I’m convinced that, without the mark, millions of blog readers will hang my photos in their living rooms.  I’m considering putting some photos in my Etsy shop.

Best Pain Relief Ad. Ever.

Isn’t that great?  I love it!  I cut it out of my local Penny Saver a couple weeks ago.

For those of you unfortunate enough not to know what a polecat is, it’s a skunk.

Which reminds me.  It turns out that I have been mispronouncing Appalachia for pretty much all my life.  I’ve always pronounced it “App-uh-lay-shuh,” the same way you pronounce the mountain range, but without the “n”.  Last week I was watching a documentary on PBS that Loretta Lynn was narrating.  She kept pronouncing it “App-uh-latch-uh.”  And I suppose Loretta Lynn knows better than I would how to pronounce it.  On another meandering side note, Billy Ray Cyrus pronounces it like Loretta Lynn does.  So I will defer to Ms. Lynn.  Yes, I know what you’re thinking, “Great story, Jeopardy contestant!”

Stuff In My Yard.

I want to show you some stuff that was in my yard today.  But first I have to tell you something.

I don’t know if I sound congested or what, but I was at the thrift store today (it’s my favorite store and I go there a lot, in case you couldn’t tell) and it was time to go.  So I said, “Come on, Shelby, let’s go.”  This woman standing there said, “She is not chubby!  You shouldn’t call her that.”  It took me a minute to figure out what she meant.  Then it dawned on me so I laughed and said, “No.  She’s not chubby.  But her name is Shelby!”  She meant well, but did she really think I’d call an almost two year old Chubby?!  Stinky, maybe, but not Chubby.

Okay, here’s the stuff in my yard today:

I was trying to get some shots so I could get a decent picture to enter into the county fair.  The flamingo obviously didn’t make the cut, but the boots have advanced to round 2.  The rule of thirds in the original picture looks better – for some reason, Photobucket cut off the right side of the picture.  I have about 10 pictures in round 2 and I can only enter one.  So I’m picking up the prints tomorrow and the next few days will be spent looking at them for technical greatness.

Aren’t those boots great?  My mom got them for Shelby in Texas and Shelby loooooves them!

Vintage Thingies Thursday – Smokey The Bear Book

For this week’s Vintage Thingies Thursday, I bring to you Smokey the Bear!  I love Smokey.  I always have.  Probably because I’m a conservationist (not to be confused with environmentalist or tree hugger).

My mom got me this book a couple weeks ago and I treasure it.  It was published in 1955.  The pictures are so beautiful with really vibrant colors.

I love this last page.  “Let’s all be careful with smokes.”  If this book were published now, it would probably say, “Just say no to tobacco!”

If you’d like to see more great Vintage Thingies, go check out Colorado Lady at http://coloradolady.blogspot.com.

Tacky Tuesday – Hideous Button Pillow.

Today’s Tacky Tuesday is straight from Deliverance a thrift store in the Ozarks.  My mother bought it a couple weeks ago to salvage the buttons.  Words elude me.

But my mother also insists that I comment on the excellent workmanship.  And it is good.  Someone obviously put a lot of work into this.  It’s kind of too bad it ended up being donated.

Best Name for a Storage Facility. Ever.

My alert friend Deanna (you’ll remember her from the now infamous “don’t eat tv antennas while pregnant” warning labels) sent me this picture.  It’s a storage facility that she and her family saw on a recent trip to Arkansas.

I think it is the best name for a storage facility ever!  And I was the one who wanted to open a “Save a Lot of Crap Storage”.

It’s the ultimate in truth-in-advertising.  And it kind of makes me miss Arkansas.  It’s one of my favorite places to vacation.  The landscape is gorgeous, the people are friendly, there’s good fishing, and it’s not overly-crowded.

Thanks for the picture, Deanna!

Never Let A Toddler Drive.

For real.  You should not let your toddler drive.  Especially, according to this packaging, if he or she is under the influence of cold/allergy medicine.

Here is the picture to prove that these warnings are, indeed, on a children’s medicine box.

I have no idea what those smudges are.  I couldn’t get rid of them while I was taking the picture.  Probably ghost orbs or something.

Anyway, here are the warnings:

I like the warning about not using it to make your kid sleepy.  Yeah, because anyone who would drug a kid to make him or her sleepy is really going to read a warning label.  And Moby Dick’s a seal.

It was tough, but we managed to keep Shelby from drinking and operating the backhoe while she was on the stuff.  She was pretty perturbed though when we told her she wouldn’t be able to use the tower crane for a few days.

By the way, she had Hand, Foot, and Mouth Disease (not to be confused with Hoof and Mouth Disease).  It’s a miserable virus and I wouldn’t wish it on an enemy.  But she’s pretty much all better now.

I’m about to do some shameless advertising … a local Etsy seller is trying to make her 1000th sale by the end of the summer.  She’s a very nice lady and I buy from her at my local farmers’ market.  Her candles are awesome!  I recently bought some lip balm from her also and I love it!  So if you need a wedding, birthday, or hostess gift or just something to brighten your day, then check her out at: AJ’s Country Cottage  http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=5343490